Infidel Turtles Successfully Launched into Space

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad touted the successful removal of several infidel animals from Iran today thanks to the country’s first successful rocket launch.

“As of 9:30 this morning, two turtles, a mouse, and some worms were launched into space,” said Ahmadinejad, “We are pleased to report that when the infidel animals reached the vacuum of space they exploded. No longer will these turtles be the scourge of Iran with their exposed buttockses.” Read more...

The Headline Riff

The Endive reacts to headlines found on other news sites...

2/7/10
Headline: Snow blacks out thousands
Riff: Must've been some dirty snow.

Headline: Fugitive posts location on Facebook
Riff: Christopher Crego has just joined the group 'I'm a freaking idiot.'

Headline: Toyota Set to Announce Prius Action Plan
Riff: Prius Action Plan? The PAP?!

Headline: SUPER BOWL: The Two Best Throwing Teams in NFL
Riff: We'd rather neither of them throw the game, thanks.

Headline: Why China isn’t following U.S.’s lead
Riff: Because that would force them to allow free thought?

Headline: Exit polls: Opposition leader wins in Ukraine
Riff: Wow. Way to go, whathisname!

Headline: Shelby block is a sign of Senate's absurdity
Riff: That is absurd. The Shelby Mustang is the greatest Mustang ever.

Headline: Ditch just one tempting food — and lose weight
Riff: That tempting food has to be solid lard, but do that and you WILL lose weight.

Headline: Lower your heart rate, prevent a heart attack
Riff: Brought to you by the council of DUH!

2/5/10
Headline: Poll: Tea Party fails impress many
Riff: CNN fails to put preposition in headline.

Headline: MJ's doctor plans to surrender
Riff: When are they going to arrest his plastic surgeon?

Headline: Last member of ancient tribe dies
Riff: No more Mouseketeers?

Headline: Facebook gives itself a birthday face-lift
Riff: Is it Friday AGAIN?

Headline: Why do UFOs fascinate, frighten?
Riff: Two words. Anal probes.

Headline: NYC Student, 12, Arrested for Doodling on Desk
Riff: Remember, kids. Use the urinals.

Headline: Cities Clamp Down on 'Bikini Baristas'
Riff: Careful. Too much clamping down and you'll be out like John Edwards.

Headline: Charlie Sheen's Stolen SUV Found Crashed in Ravine
Riff: Was it taken by Mean Joe Green? Was it near a latrine or a nectarine?

Headline: Chinese prefer 'Avatar' to Confucius
Riff: Confucius say that sucks ass.

More Headline Riffs...

Taliban to Obama: We will not Tally your Bananas

In his first press conference since returning from his secret meeting with Taliban leadership, President Obama gave details behind the difficult negotiations.

“It was long, and by long, I mean long and arduous,” said Obama, “I told Mullah Muhammad Omar that I worked all night and I drank some rum. I spent my first day and night there stacking bananas until the morning come. All I wanted was for Mr. Taliban to tally me bananas.” Read more...

MIcrosoft DIsables Lowercase “I”

MIcrosoft responded to the launch of the IPad today by dIsableIng the lowercase letter “I” on all WIndows-compatIble keyboards.

“We’ll see If anyone manages to order that pIece of crap from one of our computers,” saId MIcrosoft CEO Steve Ballmer, “We’re the Industry standard, dammIt. If someone wants a tablet that bad, they can buy our soon-to-be released WIndows product, the WInblet.”  Read more...

Iran Sends $5 Gift Card to Haiti

As millions of dollars of aid pours into an earthquake-devastated Haiti, Iran elected to join in the rebuilding effort by sending a $5 gift card to Amazon.com.

“Our hearts go out to the people of Haiti,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, “We share in their sorrow and we will do everything we can to help. Now, I must go because ‘No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain’ is coming on in twenty minutes.” Read more...

Obama Spends Afternoon Making Shadow Puppets

President Obama marked the conclusion of his first year as President today by spending the entire afternoon in his office, making shadow puppets.

“What I have made here, well, I guess it’s a dog,” said the President to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel and White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs, both of whom sat on his couch half-asleep from extreme boredom, “I think once the doggy is done barking, well, I think it might be time for some change. Maybe a butterfly.” Read more...

Underpants Bomber Invited to Michelle Obama’s Birthday Party

First Lady Michelle Obama got more than she bargained for when Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known as the Underpants Bomber, showed up as the guest of honor at her surprise birthday party.

“This is all, well, it’s a misunderstanding,” said President Barack Obama, who spent days arranging the party, “I really thought I had hired a male stripper. Someone misunderstood my instructions. I’m looking at you, Rahm.” Read more...