Gunman at Spike TV Can’t Get Noticed

A man known for protesting Spike TV’s reluctance to continue airing episodes of Baywatch and Star Trek the Next Generation stormed the network’s Nashville headquarters carrying a handgun on Wednesday, holding three people hostage. He was completely ignored.

The man had what appeared to be a bomb strapped to his chest, and as of late Wednesday night, police had not yet arrived on the scene. Read more...

The Headline Riff

The Endive reacts to headlines found on other news sites...

9/1/10
Headline: Miners send new video to relatives
Riff: Video shows them crying and begging us to leave Brittany alone.

Headline: U.S. hands over power in Iraq
Riff: To who? Iran?

Headline: Obama a Clinton -- or Carter?
Riff: Nope. He's a Marx.

Headline: Police raid home of L'Oreal heiress
Riff: It was the most vibrant and glare-free raid ever.

Headline: Actress denies 'sham marriage'
Riff: Actress: I love whathisname.

Headline: VA Spends Millions on Vacant Buildings
Riff: That's okay. We spend millions on vacant congressmen.

Headline: Yemeni Terror Suspects Freed Without Charge
Riff: Give me a car battery and some jumper cables and I'll fix that.

Headline: Despite Mexico Violence, Tourism Booming?
Riff: As long as there's tequila and weed, Mexico will have tourists.

Headline: Gov't Agents Descend on Iowa Egg Farms Again
Riff: This is just a pretense for petting the horsies.

8/31/10
Headline: Iraq combat mission ending
Riff: ...depending on your definition of 'combat.'

Headline: Egg farm had 8-foot manure pile
Riff: So that's where brown eggs come from!

Headline: Guard troops sent to Arizona border
Riff: It's about time someone stopped all those people sneaking in from Utah.

Headline: The truth about 12 health myths
Riff: Number 1: Your bunion can't predict s**t.

Headline: Tiger jumps 12-foot zoo fence
Riff: There must've been a hot chick on the other side.

Headline: Scientists Baffled by 'Bootprint' on Mars
Riff: Two words. Chuck Norris.

Headline: Mexico: Top Drug Lord 'La Barbie' Nabbed
Riff: Let's put another shrimp on him.

Headline: Poll: Opinionated Are Less Happy With Obama
Riff: Non-opinionated people are less happy, too. They just didn't answer the poll.

Headline: End-of-summer auto deals screech to a halt
Riff: That's how it's done, Toyota.

More Headline Riffs...

Armed Muppets Retake Manhattan

The country is on high alert today after armed Muppets retook Manhattan by force, storming through the New York borough with heavy artillery and laser-like precision.

“Kermit the Frog here,” said the paramilitary group’s leader in a prepared statement, “For too long we have performed for your kids while enduring the excruciating pain of a human hand stuck up our asses. Today it ends.” Read more...

Bloomberg Shows Off Explosive Belt

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg addressed the public today while wearing a belt packed with explosives in order to “open the minds of New Yorkers to alternative fashions.”

The belt, created by world-renowned fashion designer Ahmed Wahiri, combined the finest Corinthian leather with C-4 explosives, a cell-phone-driven detonator and embroidered patches full of rusty nails and shrapnel.  Read more...

Biden to Iraq: We’re Ok, Right?

Vice President Biden, declaring that Al Qaeda in Iraq and its allies have “utterly failed” to increase widespread violence, said Iraqis should be “pretty okay if we left, right?”

Despite a complete lack of defined leadership in Iraq following difficult, contested elections, Biden expressed the willingness of American armed forces to head quietly to the airport, leaving a few toiletries and neatly tied up garbage bags by their tents. Read more...

Government Shuts Down WikiLeeks

The Federal Government stepped in today and shut down WikiLeeks, a popular web site that digs up and releases hard-to-find information on leeks, an onion-like vegetable in the Alliaceae family.

“For too long, WikiLeeks has been spreading sensitive information from anonymous sources,” said Attorney General Eric Holder, “And they’ve been doing it with little or no regard for public safety or national security.”  Read more...

Rangel Celebrates 80th Birthday in Empty Ballroom

Embattled lawmaker Charlie Rangel, caught up in an ethics investigation, sat alone in The Plaza Hotel ballroom Wednesday, picking woefully at a piece of cake and quietly singing “Happy Birthday to me.”

Rangel reserved the ballroom with the expectation that all of his friends would show for what promised to be the “coolest party ever.”  Read more...