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10/19/11
Headline: Protesters clash with police in Greece
Riff: After which they enjoy some fleece with Ed Meese.
Headline: Occupy Wall St. protest attracts celebs
Riff: Alec Baldwin is really just a bloated approximation of a celeb, technically.
Headline: Stamp prices going up
Riff: Can the post office's coffin have any more nails crammed in it?
Headline: Mariah Carey's twins on TV
Riff: Hopefully she'll keep them stuffed in a bra this time.
Headline: 'Balloon Boy' dad has new project
Riff: Whoever decided this was news just lost an IQ point.
Headline: Dad: Adderall killing Lindsay Lohan
Riff: And the Worst Father Ever award goes to...
Headline: Turkey Reportedly Launches Incursion Into Iraq
Riff: They timed that way too close to an election year if they expect us getting involved.
Headline: Sources: Obama to Replace North Korea Envoy
Riff: He found someone he hates more?
Headline: Pole dancers turn to classical in search of respect
Riff: Maybe they should search for something more attainable, like 20-dollar-bills.
10/18/11
Headline: Occupy Wall St. 'amazing' to experts
Riff: They didn't know people could go outside, sit around and bitch?
Headline: Obama to N.C.: Make Congress step up
Riff: N.C. to Obama: Ok, we'll build some stairs.
Headline: Obama's prompter, podium stolen
Riff: Gasp! Who's running the country?!
Headline: Report: Jobs' last project not 4S
Riff: It was becoming one with the matrix.
Headline: Houston still has a problem: no shuttle
Riff: They do have a human-sized sling shot and a motorcycle helmet.
Headline: Ford cars will read txt msgs to you
Riff: @Fusion: Hey, @Driver. Change my oil, putz.
Headline: Husband gets Dodgers in divorce deal
Riff: Unfortunately, she got the stadium and the uniforms.
Headline: Monster haboob rolls into Texas
Riff: All I have to say about this headline is: Huh.
Headline: Ind. Dem Chairman Resigns Amid Signature Scandal
Riff: His resignation was signed by George Washington.
10/17/11
Headline: Ailing South Pole researcher evacuated
Riff: Neat. If they head south, they're really heading north.
Headline: Obama goes on road to promote jobs
Riff: Plenty of unemployed people will have time to go watch him.
Headline: LIVE: FCC cell phone announcement
Riff: FCC: Has anybody seen our cell phone?
Headline: Kids as young as 4 can have ADHD
Riff: At that age, we call it 'Being 4.'
Headline: Smugglers tunnel into parking lot
Riff: They're smuggling painted white lines.
Headline: On location with 'Walking Dead' cast
Riff: They're following the Obama campaign again?
Headline: Gaga drops f-bomb at Clinton event
Riff: Only because Bill asked her to.
Headline: 100-year-old man finishes marathon
Riff: He was actually just trying to find the laundromat.
Headline: Police: Missing German Not Eaten by Cannibals
Riff: How much cannibal poop did they sift through before coming to this conclusion?
10/12/11
Headline: Possible motives in terror plot
Riff: Maybe Iran was a little short on it terrorist assassination quota.
Headline: From salesman to accused assassin
Riff: I think that's in the Amway training manual.
Headline: What is Quds?
Riff: A bad spelling of the stuff cows chew.
Headline: 'Underwear bomber' pleads guilty
Riff: Guilty of explosive poopy pants.
Headline: Obama jobs bill stalls in Senate
Riff: The Senate? That's where he has the majority, right? Wow.
Headline: Senate passes China currency bill
Riff: Bye bye dollar, hello Yuan.
Headline: Family calls 911 from corn maze
Riff: They put out a warrant for He Who Walks Between the Rows.
Headline: Study: Vitamin E May Increase Risk of Prostate Cancer
Riff: More from the 'Panel on Scaring the Crap out of you.'
Headline: Tens of Thousands in Syria Stage Pro-Assad Rally
Riff: Pro-Assad? Oh. We thought it was 'Pro-Ass Ad.' I guess no asses will be advertised.
10/11/11
Headline: Mobile tools for protests
Riff: Yep. They are definitely a mobile group of tools.
Headline: Greece closer to getting bailout funds
Riff: In the meantime, they'll have to spend one more night in the clink.
Headline: Syria opposition picks up support
Riff: Syria opposition is pretty much everyone in the world.
Headline: 'Underwear bomber' trial starts
Riff: This is one you don't want to attend. He's not allowed near underwear.
Headline: Belafonte: Herman Cain a 'bad apple'
Riff: Um, WHO THE HELL ASKED A CALYPSO SINGER?!
Headline: Plane shown sliding off runway
Riff: Was there a dude next to it spreading his arms and shouting "Safe!"?
Headline: Woman gives birth after marathon
Riff: Thank you for making the rest of the world look lazy, jerk.
Headline: Ahmadinejad Criticizes Flogging of Student Activist
Riff: He felt the flogger should have had better technique.
Headline: Aussie Golfers Play Through Shark-Infested Course
Riff: They should try playing on grass. It's easier.
10/10/11
Headline: Netflix drops plan to split DVD services
Riff: Wow. If only people cared about politics this much.
Headline: Subpoenas coming over Fast & Furious
Riff: Off to jail, Vin Diesel!
Headline: Frum: China's awkward anniversary
Riff: Two months without gonorrhea!
Headline: Top evangelical: Mormonism not a cult
Riff: Occupy Wall Street is more of a cult.
Headline: When Dave became Tracy
Riff: When reader became ill.
Headline: Paul McCartney walks down aisle
Riff: Just Paul, his bride, and his walker.
Headline: Fan throws hot dog at Tiger
Riff: I've always said golf was a sausage fest.
Headline: Greece Says Talks With Debt Inspectors Nearly Over
Riff: They hope to move the country into a double-wide when it's over.
Headline: California Bans Tanning Beds for Minors
Riff: It's being hailed as a victory for California's goth community.
10/7/11
Headline: Key facts about Nobel Peace Prize
Riff: Number 1: It now has chocolate on the inside of the foil.
Headline: Panel: No prostate tests for healthy men
Riff: Usually that's called 'getting felt up.'
Headline: Tutu, the 'People's Priest,' turns 80
Riff: In his new cereal commercial, he's Tutu for Cocoa Puffs.
Headline: 'X Factor' host 'storms off'
Riff: 'World' doesn't 'care.'
Headline: Osbourne: Implants removed
Riff: Let's see how she handles having men look at her face.
Headline: YouTube Creates New Site for Political Viral Video
Riff: I thought that was what failblog was for.
Headline: Official: Mexican Police Let Gangs Hold Victims in Jail
Riff: Mexico still has police?
Headline: Health concerns grow over little-known mineral
Riff: People are a little skittish around Heartattackium.
Headline: Bedbugs: 'A paranoia that stays for life'
Riff: Kind of like The View.
10/6/11
Headline: 28 arrested as Wall St. protests grow
Riff: They still aren't sure what they're protesting, but they mean it.
Headline: Obama to speak on economy
Riff: That's like watching Captain Kangaroo speak on Nuclear Reactor Repair.
Headline: Swedish poet wins Nobel for literature
Riff: Raise your hand if your life has been changed by Swedish poetry. Anybody?
Headline: MJ's drugs cover court table during trial
Riff: Sadly missing was 'nose growth hormone.'
Headline: 'Beheaded' woman shows up alive
Riff: She's looking for some dude named Ichabod.
Headline: Prince Harry in U.S. for copter training
Riff: Lesson 1: Don't use the ejector seat.
Headline: Lawyer details Knox's 1st day home
Riff: She had corn flakes and took a dump. Exciting.
Headline: Prosecution Plays Audio of Jackson Slurring Words
Riff: He was paying tribute to Ozzy.
Headline: New ATF Head Says It's Time to Hit 'Reset Button'
Riff: Next he's going to hit up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A, then start.
10/5/11
Headline: Greek default just a matter of time
Riff: I'm thinking about buying Greece at auction next month.
Headline: Obama signs law to keep gov. running
Riff: I thought he was against extra hot air emissions.
Headline: Nobel awarded for quasicrystals
Riff: That's quasiexciting.
Headline: Day 6: Murray's girlfriends testify
Riff: They're expected to confirm that he knew how to get people into bed.
Headline: Ala. law scaring students away?
Riff: Well, that and the alligators.
Headline: Panetta: U.S. Can't Make Up for NATO Shortfalls
Riff: NATO: Just a few bucks for rent until the Nigerian deal comes through?
Headline: Dem Wins W. Va., Keeps Distance From Obama
Riff: If you're in West Virginia, you probably won't be near Obama.
Headline: NBA Season on the Rocks in Battle of Millionaires
Riff: We still have professional basketball?
Headline: N.J. Girl, 10, Told to Get Rid of Her 4-H Chickens
Riff: They were some really creepy 4-headed chickens.
10/4/11
Headline: Nobel panel announces physics award
Riff: If nobody is around to hear the announcement, did it happen?
Headline: ESPN yanks Hank Williams Jr. for remark
Riff: No football this weekend. We won't be ready.
Headline: California prisoners on hunger strike
Riff: That ought to save a few taxpayer dollars.
Headline: Bear attacks couple in living room
Riff: The vacuum sales people get more aggressive every day.
Headline: Hooters suit wages 'boob battle'
Riff: Can you volunteer for jury duty?
Headline: Russian, U.S. Scientists Gather to Hunt Down Yeti
Riff: Who gets the meat?
Headline: Putin Wants Eurasian Union With Ex-USSR Nations
Riff: Putin: I will conquer you! I mean, make union.
Headline: Obama Wants to OK Debt Robo-Calls to Cellphones
Riff: This little revelation is conveniently close to campaign season.
Headline: Now I know what a salmon feels like, bear victim says
Riff: Apparently, after the bear attack, he felt up a salmon.
10/3/11
Headline: Yahoo, ABC News form alliance
Riff: New alliance to be called 'ABCHoo.'
Headline: Cheney: Obama owes Bush apology
Riff: He'd probably find a way to blame Bush for the apology.
Headline: Big cases await U.S. Supreme Court
Riff: Um, don't they only try big cases? It's the Supreme Court.
Headline: 3,999-lb. nachos break record
Riff: Really? They couldn't come up with one more pound?
Headline: 'Dog Vote' a Factor in California Mayoral Race
Riff: This sounds like a San Francisco thing.
Headline: Portrait of Russian PM Putin Sells for $269,000
Riff: Putin: Even in picture form, Putin is powerful!
Headline: Wall St. Protesters Vow to Enter Third Week
Riff: That's assuming they don't get job offers before then.
Headline: New Species of Crocodile Found in Colombia
Riff: Could this be the elusive caramel-filled chocodile?
Headline: Water everywhere but none to drink on Pacific atoll
Riff: Atoll is how Tweety Bird pronounces asshole.
9/28/11
Headline: Iran to send ships near U.S. waters
Riff: Sunken ships make great artificial reefs.
Headline: U.S. stocks open higher
Riff: They've been smoking a lot of weed on Wall Street.
Headline: Facebook rumors: Fact vs. fiction
Riff: You mean they're not going to charge me $100 unless I repost this?
Headline: 1941 shipwreck worth millions
Riff: Yeah, but I don't think you're allowed to dig up Ted Kennedy's body.
Headline: World's most polluted city is ...
Riff: Sadly, this has more to do with bathing habits than factories.
Headline: 'You can get freaky at any size'
Riff: You just might have to do it without a partner.
Headline: Nancy Grace denies 'DWTS' nip slip
Riff: She insists her nipples are unmistakable gatling guns of fury.
Headline: Paddle boarder hooks shark, filets it
Riff: Wow. It's like getting bonus sprinkles on your ice cream... with shark!
Headline: U.S. Fugitive Hijacker Started New Life in Portugal
Riff: Apparently hijacking is legal there.
9/27/11
Headline: Wall Street protests enter 11th day
Riff: If they hand around too long, they'll get job offers.
Headline: MJ's voice coach: Murray 'sleazy'
Riff: Hopefully he said that melodically.
Headline: Low B-12 linked to memory problems
Riff: What vitamin was linked to memory problems again?
Headline: 2 narco subs found in Colombia
Riff: They were blindfolded and searching for the polo subs.
Headline: Documents Imply Taxes Spent on Guns for Cartels
Riff: They were needy cartels. ACORN helped.
Headline: Georgia City Bans Bras on Local Street
Riff: Hopefully the street isn't too bouncy.
Headline: Flesh-Eating Spider Helps Researchers Fight Pain
Riff: Pain must be a super villain.
Headline: Mysterious Death Ruled Spontaneous Combustion
Riff: Chair for sale. Slightly charred.
Headline: Wife of Mexican drug lord gives birth in Calif.
Riff: She's the proud mother of six cocaine bricks.
9/26/11
Headline: Hikers detail Iran's 'ridiculous lies'
Riff: They keep saying that Madonna was Cindy on the Brady Bunch.
Headline: Tea party blamed for stalemate
Riff: That's like blaming people who drive Volvos for destroying the automotive industry.
Headline: Obama takes re-election bid to L.A.
Riff: It's not like he has much Presidential work to do.
Headline: The rocky road to the GOP nomination
Riff: Mmm. Rocky Road.
Headline: Possible tornado touches down in Miss.
Riff: Possible? Was it spinning and throwing trailers or not?
Headline: Recession dating rules
Riff: Whoever dies first gets to eat the other one.
Headline: A comic's fidelity time-out
Riff: There was a time-in?
Headline: Amazon Tablet Launch a Threat for iPad, Analysts Say
Riff: Analysts really just joking, analysts say.
Headline: Living People Get First Chance to Be On U.S. Stamps
Riff: Soylent Postal Stamps are people! People!!!
9/25/11
Headline: Iran hikers arrive in U.S.
Riff: They promptly wandered into Mexico.
Headline: Geithner sounds alarm on Europe
Riff: Just now? Has he been in a coma for the last six months?
Headline: Campus bake sale sparks outrage
Riff: Damn them and their racist brownies!
Headline: Police: Sorry for not uncovering sex lair
Riff: Hefner: Get out of my house.
Headline: Kenyan sets marathon world record
Riff: Way to go Mr. President!
Headline: Elizabeth Taylor's jewels on display
Riff: I knew she was a guy!
Headline: Saudi Women Get OK to Vote in Elections
Riff: The only election they get to vote on is who joins the king's harem.
Headline: Diana Nyad Ends Swim From Cuba to Florida
Riff: If she was Cuban, she could have made this swim four times already.
Headline: Hezbollah Leader to Come to U.S.?
Riff: I can't wait to see how he does at the airport security point.
9/23/11
Headline: Texas: No more special last meals
Riff: I like that. Take a cheese sandwich and die.
Headline: Lost moon rock found in Clinton files
Riff: I would recommend using Purell on it first thing.
Headline: Take great photos with bad cameras
Riff: Or spend ridiculous money on a camera that looks cool.
Headline: Watch Out! NASA Satellite to Plummet to Earth
Riff: NASA: We decided to give someone a free satellite... in their lawn.
Headline: FBI Arrests Suspected Hackers of Gov't Sites
Riff: Looks like its time to round up the geeks...
Headline: Parents Turn to Law to Evict Son From Home
Riff: I hope they called a camera crew so we can all watch and laugh.
Headline: Inmate's 'Ridiculous' Meal Upends Execution Policy
Riff: He asked for a 1,245-course meal.
Headline: Obama to Overhaul No Child Left Behind Law
Riff: Obama: Let's try leaving a few million kids behind.
Headline: 1985 Bears to Finally Do 'Super Bowl Shuffle' at WH
Riff: Isn't that a little hard to do with a walker?
9/22/11
Headline: Radioactive material found in Libya?
Riff: It's just Gadhafi's hair gel.
Headline: Chrysler, UAW reach deal
Riff: I guess Chrysler bent over.
Headline: Explain it to me: The 'Buffett Rule'
Riff: If you're rich, you must be a jerk so we take all of your money.
Headline: Will Casey Anthony leave country?
Riff: That strategy didn't work for Joran van der Sloot.
Headline: What happens to your trash
Riff: Usually it goes into my neighbor's backyard. Sorry, Harold.
Headline: Obama Administration Building Secret Drone Bases in Africa, Arabian Peninsula
Riff: There he goes campaigning again.
Headline: Coast Guard Confiscates 4,355 Pounds of Cocaine
Riff: That's enough to feed Keith Richards for almost a year!
Headline: Pounds of Pot Delivered to NFL Player's Home
Riff: It was for a landscaping project.
Headline: Track NASA's Falling, 6.5-Ton Satellite in Real-Time
Riff: Or, you can hide under your desk and wait.
9/21/11
Headline: Tropical Storm Ophelia forms in Atlantic
Riff: They must be running out of 'O' names. At least they didn't call it Oprah.
Headline: Tony Bennett: America caused 9/11
Riff: What pile of idiocy caused Tony Bennett to exist?
Headline: Pac-12 votes against expansion
Riff: General population votes against caring.
Headline: Fat? Right-handed? Snack southpaw
Riff: I say double fist it, baby!
Headline: Jane Lynch: 'I'm really, really gay'
Riff: World: We really, really don't care.
Headline: Justice Dept. Spends $500G on Refreshments
Riff: The Giant Panda steaks were delicious, I hear.
Headline: Feds: Poker Site Was 'Global Ponzi Scheme'
Riff: Enough about Social Security.
Headline: MLB Player Served Child Support Papers at Game
Riff: He got stuck in a rundown between the shortstop and a lawyer.
Headline: Cops: Woman stole hearse — with body inside
Riff: Annoying back-seat drivers.
9/20/11
Headline: UN applauds Libya revolution
Riff: The rebels are hoping to take the show to Broadway.
Headline: Sabah residents cheer fighters
Riff: Their cheer: Sabah-dee Sabah-doo, we cheer fighters, yes we do! Yay!
Headline: IMF lowers economic outlook
Riff: They've downgraded it to 'Sh**ty.'
Headline: Buffett Rule: Not so simple
Riff: It turns out Obama is rich and he doesn't want to lose his money.
Headline: Customers fume over Netflix changes
Riff: They still have customers?
Headline: Overeating? Which hand are you using?
Riff: Hands?
Headline: Woman With 2 Uteruses Delivers Twins
Riff: The second uterus was a rental.
Headline: Did Charlie Sheen's roast go too far?
Riff: Is Charlie a wife-beating drug addict who throttles whores?
Headline: Even in a down economy, pork rinds crackle
Riff: Sucks to be a pig.
9/19/11
Headline: Obama to propose 'Buffett Rule'
Riff: Americans are required to fund a Cheeseburger in paradise.
Headline: Reporters caught in the crossfire
Riff: It is a war zone, so they probably don't have NASCAR bleachers.
Headline: World markets sink on Greece fears
Riff: I didn't realize olive oil was such a driving economic force.
Headline: Jurors haunted by trial's horrors
Riff: Tomorrow, on The People's Court.
Headline: Mayweather's tough boxing lesson
Riff: How to hit someone who isn't paying attention.
Headline: Gamers Crack AIDS Puzzle That Stumped Scientists
Riff: They also found a hidden DNA strand that lets you play the original Pac Man.
Headline: Netflix Splits, Renames DVD Division Qwikster
Riff: After all, who gives a crap about a globally recognized brand name?
Headline: Child abuse increased as economy crashed
Riff: Abused kids do produce fewer counterfit Gucci bags.
Headline: Iran arrests 5 people for working for BBC
Riff: It's about time somebody cracked down on this.
9/18/11
Headline: After Gadhafi, then what?
Riff: The next crazy bastard.
Headline: Obama seeks new tax rate for rich
Riff: Obama's new rate: All of it.
Headline: Police: Teen claims 5 years in woods
Riff: That would be Tiger's longest one-night-stand.
Headline: China to Award Clean Restaurants With Smiley Faces
Riff: That's Chinese slang for severed heads.
Headline: 'Thelma and Louise' Duo Caught After Crime Spree
Riff: Give 'em a Thunderbird and a cliff.
Headline: Russian Tycoon Punches Fellow Billionaire on TV
Riff: It was probably cleaner than the Mayweather fight.
Headline: Bernanke, Europe hold key to aiding rally
Riff: They just don't know how to handle a key, unfortunately.
Headline: See the world from space ... in 60 seconds
Riff: Or just use the Google.
Headline: Common scams to watch for in Europe
Riff: Like the Euro.
9/16/11
Headline: Alleged UBS rogue trader questioned
Riff: Question 1: You got $2 billion on you?
Headline: Texas inmate's execution blocked
Riff: He's holding out to see if he can get the prize for being the 5,000th customer.
Headline: 663,000 try to stop Georgia execution
Riff: The rest of the world doesn't.
Headline: Clean energy loan program may grow
Riff: Apparently their clean source of energy is our cash.
Headline: Ex-drug smuggler: I faked my death
Riff: Apparently he did a crappy job.
Headline: Ron Artest is now Metta World Peace
Riff: Is this supposed to help us visualize world peace? Because the image is awfully sweaty now.
Headline: Charlie Sheen: I was 'losing'
Riff: Was?
Headline: Redmond O'Neal caught with drugs
Riff: At least he's sticking with what he's good at.
Headline: Carter's lament: Too much religion in politics
Riff: World's lament: Too much Carter in politics.
9/15/11
Headline: GOP reborn: The rise of Rick Perry
Riff: Maybe CNN should wait until after the primaries to pick the GOP's candidate.
Headline: Obama: If you love me, help pass bill
Riff: Barack Obama: Presidential c**k tease.
Headline: Mom: Anthony acquittal a sign from God
Riff: Yeah. It's a sign from G-d that juries are stupid.
Headline: Strange light streaks across Southwest
Riff: Anybody check to make sure the space station is still there?
Headline: Salahi with band Journey, not kidnapped
Riff: Somebody been naught-ay!
Headline: Charlie Sheen: 'I'm a lot calmer'
Riff: He just smoked weed, apparently.
Headline: Cooper waxes poetic on 'corpse-like' twin
Riff: I hear he uses an 'Anderson Cooper Scooper' to pick it up.
Headline: Rules Hinder Conversion of Ala. FEMA Shelters
Riff: But those shelters really want to become Catholics.
Headline: Missing Colo. Cat Found 5 Years Later on N.Y. Street
Riff: Poor little kitten never did make it on Broadway, but still slept with a lot of cats along the way.
9/14/11
Headline: Ex-Obama official wants Kennedy seat
Riff: We'll have to test his drinking skills first.
Headline: Final report issued on Gulf disaster
Riff: Outcome: It was bad.
Headline: Snooki & Anderson Cooper get tan
Riff: This is a candidate for 'Things NOBODY wants to see, ever.'
Headline: Richardson Leaves Cuba Without Jailed American
Riff: He accidentally left him sitting the cab at the airport.
Headline: SAT Reading Scores Fall to Lowest Level on Record
Riff: That means thousands of people can't read this riff. I can get away with anything. You're ugly.
Headline: 'Gumby Bandit' in the Pokey in California
Riff: Somehow the Blockheads are behind this.
Headline: Chicago to make public a decade of crimes
Riff: They're finally releasing state government records?
Headline: Laughter helps people resist pain, study finds
Riff: Unless you bust a rib laughing.
Headline: Men, women get jealous for different reasons
Riff: Obviously women can't have penis envy.
9/13/11
Headline: How Obama will pay for his jobs bill
Riff: Um, he won't. We will.
Headline: The word Obama won't dare say
Riff: "Help."
Headline: National debt panel urged to 'go big'
Riff: They better not recruit Michael Moore.
Headline: Hacking scandal's far-reaching tentacles
Riff: Sounds like a bad anime plot.
Headline: Dad: Winehouse drug-free for years
Riff: Did he actually say that with a straight face?
Headline: Painful moments in sports history
Riff: As a Redskins fan, it's hard to narrow that list down.
Headline: TV crews peppered with F-bombs
Riff: F**k 'em!
Headline: Number of Centenarians in Japan Tops 47,000
Riff: And they were all in front of me on I-64 yesterday.
Headline: Father's Testosterone Drops Steeply After Baby Arrives
Riff: It takes a huge dive as soon as he slings the diaper bag over his shoulder.
9/12/11
Headline: Rebels stall near Gadhafi stronghold
Riff: Rebels still trying to figure out how to drive a stick.
Headline: Lessons from gridiron to battlefield
Riff: When a moron is in charge, your team tends to lose.
Headline: Real reason T.I. imprisoned
Riff: They thought he might be Vince Glothok, the Keymaster.
Headline: 'Rescue Me' star: Ending show hard
Riff: It's not that hard. Just stop and leave.
Headline: Former Rebels Battle Qaddafi Loyalists
Riff: Today on The Family Feud!
Headline: Official: U.S. Considers Basing Predators in Turkey
Riff: That should give Chris Hanson a chance to take the act on the road.
Headline: SpongeBob in Hot Water in Child Behavior Study
Riff: Luckily he's a sponge and can just soak it up.
Headline: Green-glowing cats new tool in AIDS research
Riff: They're trying to freak people out and see if it kills AIDS.
Headline: Pants-wearing sponge tied to kids’ poor attention
Riff: Joe Biden?
9/9/11
Headline: San Diego utility restores power to 1.4M
Riff: Unfortunately, none of them are in San Diego.
Headline: Interpol issues warrant for Gadhafi
Riff: That's what happens when you mess with Interpol. They get tough. With paperwork.
Headline: Moon mission delayed a day
Riff: They had trouble pulling back the rubber band.
Headline: Carol Bartz: Yahoo 'f---ed me over'
Riff: Did they at least call the next day?
Headline: Road rager attacks elderly driver
Riff: It's tough to pick who to root for here.
Headline: Nancy Grace grills 'DWTS' partner
Riff: That's a good way to get dumped on your head mid-spin.
Headline: Gosselin is 'freaking out, big time'
Riff: What exactly is new about this?
Headline: Holder: Higher-Ups Were Unaware of ATF Operation
Riff: Eric, I don't think your boss is aware of a damn thing you do.
Headline: Marijuana Use Rising in U.S., Survey Finds
Riff: If you factor in people who were too stoned to fill out the survey, the number goes up.
9/8/11
Headline: Rebels say they're closing in on Gadhafi
Riff: They're following a fresh trail of hair grease.
Headline: Missiles looted from Tripoli warehouse
Riff: This wouldn't have happened if they had warehouses full of beer.
Headline: Moon probe set for launch
Riff: Bang, zoom, straight to the... you know.
Headline: Police investigating Apple house search
Riff: So much for that big brother ad.
Headline: Google buys Zagat
Riff: New company to be called 'Gagat.'
Headline: Qaddafi Denies in Audio Message He Left Libya
Riff: He just moved Libya to Niger.
Headline: U.S.: Libyan Weapons May Go Into Wrong Hands
Riff: Are there any right hands?
Headline: Feds Playing Wrong Chord on Gibson Guitar Raid?
Riff: B.B. King, the government is here to confiscate your fretboard.
Headline: When money ran short, dad started Dumpster diving
Riff: The story of Barack Obama.
9/6/11
Headline: U.S. Postal Service may face default
Riff: They still exist? Oh yeah. That's where I get all my junk mail.
Headline: Lee-fueled tornadoes hit Georgia
Riff: This is almost as bad as when leaded-fueled Toranados hit Alabama.
Headline: Summer's over for Congress
Riff: That's a good thing. None of them look good in a Speed-o.
Headline: Hoffa declares war on the tea party
Riff: Wow. Because union life worked out so well for his dad.
Headline: Jackson doc's legal team seeks delay
Riff: Jackson's doc offers to help them sleep on it.
Headline: Five keys to diabetes prevention
Riff: 1. Don't eat an entire sheet cake every day.
Headline: Bear drives off with family car
Riff: This proves that bears have no taste in automobiles.
Headline: Police: Colo. Teen Loses Legs While Boarding Train
Riff: Still more convenient than airport security.
Headline: Humans had sex with now-extinct relatives
Riff: The Smithsonian regrets throwing that keg party.
9/5/11
Headline: Hurricane Katia loses some punch
Riff: I guess that beats losing your lunch.
Headline: China denies selling weapons to Libya
Riff: China: Those were potato peelers. With lasers.
Headline: Gadhafi's ex-nurse recalls 'Daddy'
Riff: She still remembers greasing his hair when he was 2.
Headline: Steve Irwin changed nature TV
Riff: I dare say he stung it right in the heart.
Headline: German sex workers pay at meters
Riff: That could make for some embarrassing mix-ups at the impound lot.
Headline: Boss Shows Gun to Worker, Accidentally Shoots Her
Riff: At least he knows the product works.
Headline: Mubarak Due in Court, 1st Witnesses to Testify
Riff: 1st witness: Yep. It's Mubarak.
Headline: Cops Look for Missing Explosives at Ariz. Airport
Riff: Nobody light a match.
Headline: Obama to spend Labor Day at AFL-CIO rally
Riff: They're going to sit around together and watch TV.
9/4/11
Headline: Rare frigatebird sighting signals storm
Riff: Or, for anyone with a rifle, lunch.
Headline: Katia could become major hurricane
Riff: ...or a hype-i-cane.
Headline: Fighters push on to Gadhafi stronghold
Riff: Even though the door clearly states 'pull.'
Headline: Strauss-Kahn flies back to France
Riff: He heard there were some hot chicks there.
Headline: Shark fin soup could disappear in Calif.
Riff: Too many people thought there was a whole shark in their soup.
Headline: Feel the need for $777 burger?
Riff: Um, no.
Headline: Are Americans overworked?
Riff: Um, yes.
Headline: Katt Williams: I'm not anti-Mexican
Riff: He even feeds the ones he keeps in his basement.
Headline: Kevin Smith: 'I smoke a ton of weed'
Riff: Wow. What a shocker. <--- sarcasm.
9/2/11
Headline: Car sales rise, against all odds
Riff: I'll bet the repo business is booming, too.
Headline: Defiant Gadhafi claims capital moved
Riff: The new capital of Libya is 'Muammar's Basement.'
Headline: Anthony case turns to reimbursement
Riff: They didn't make enough on ticket sales?
Headline: A purpose for rejected shelter dogs
Riff: Four words: Dog-powered electric turbines.
Headline: Cops: Mom gives sobbing baby pot
Riff: Did it work? Just curious.
Headline: Man cuts off toes to stay alive
Riff: I guess he won't be needing those gorilla shoes anymore...
Headline: Kim Kardashian ready for kids
Riff: Nobody's ready for kids, Kim.
Headline: Thick smoke creeps over Texas
Riff: Sounds like it's barbecue season.
Headline: Mars rover finds evidence of water at new hotspot
Riff: It found an empty Deer Park bottle.
9/1/11
Headline: Is AT&T's deal with T-Mobile dead?
Riff: They were going to call the new company 'AT&Teets.'
Headline: Washington Monument leaks after Irene
Riff: They have topical creams for that.
Headline: Cop caught having sex on car hood
Riff: I guess he can cross that one off the bucket list.
Headline: 20,000 participate in tomato fight
Riff: Actually, it was just a reaction to a Carlos Mencia show.
Headline: Baby born outside Waffle House
Riff: Cancel my order for the strawberry drizzle!
Headline: 'Death Star' laser curbs malaria
Riff: It also curbs planets.
Headline: Why China is warming up to dogs
Riff: They're a tad meatier than cats?
Headline: FDA Rules Silicone Breast Implants to Stay on Market
Riff: Thanks for keeping us abreast of that.
Headline: Remains of Australia's most infamous criminal ID'd
Riff: Mel Gibson?
8/31/11
Headline: Report shows torture, death in Syria
Riff: Those are their top two industries.
Headline: Katia strengthens, path uncertain
Riff: Ah. Post-Irene coat-tail hype.
Headline: Stanley Cup dented after tumble
Riff: Bring out the Bond-o!
Headline: Why Syria's regime is crucial to Iran
Riff: They need someone to bounce crackpot oppressive ideas off of.
Headline: Does America overuse drones?
Riff: That's how Obama got elected.
Headline: Baker Serves Cocaine-Sprinkled Cookies at Funeral
Riff: He was pretty sure the deceased would have wanted it that way.
Headline: Ouch! Man Describes Shears Impaling Eye Socket
Riff: No description necessary, really.
Headline: Foot in running shoe washes ashore in Canada
Riff: Canada: Anybody missing a foot? Size 11?
Headline: Study: US newborn death rate worse than Cuba
Riff: Because nobody wants to have kids in Cuba in the first place. Remember, it sucks there.
8/30/11
Headline: Poll: American Muslims happy with U.S.
Riff: Aww. Group hug.
Headline: Nancy Grace, Chaz Bono on 'DWTS' cast
Riff: I'm having trouble thinking of who I'd be less interested in seeing dance.
Headline: Streaker caught on tape during Irene
Riff: So proud of my hometown.
Headline: Syria opposition open to intervention?
Riff: Its the best way to deal with their hoarding problem.
Headline: UPDATE: Where in the world ... ?
Riff: There.
Headline: Canadian fat cat finds Facebook fame
Riff: Feeling flim-flammed by flamboyant f-headlines. Finkle.
Headline: Obama's Uncle Arrested, Held by Immigration
Riff: Make sure you send his nephew back, too.
Headline: Exec: HP to Remain World's Biggest PC Maker
Riff: They are way outproducing all those muggle PCs.
Headline: Poll: U.S. Muslims Feel Targeted by Terror Policies
Riff: Um, that kind of happens when your friends like to blow things up.
8/29/11
Headline: Rebels give Gadhafi loyalists ultimatum
Riff: Rebels: We have the R2-unit. We will exploit its information to attack your Death Star.
Headline: Obama to name new top econ adviser
Riff: Heading to the looney bin to adopt again, huh?
Headline: 5 ways to fix a trashed credit score
Riff: 1. Quit buying crap.
Headline: Sprinter Bolt in disqualification shocker
Riff: I knew he was a cyborg!
Headline: 'Mysterious' animal in floodwaters
Riff: That was Lady Gaga.
Headline: China bans Gaga ... and Backstreet Boys?
Riff: I'm starting to like China.
Headline: Probe Into Claim Kosovo PM Involved in Organ Selling
Riff: He assured us he purees them first.
Headline: Will International Space Station Be Abandoned?
Riff: I don't want to have to pick that thing up at an impound lot.
Headline: Lockerbie Bomber 'Near Death' in Tripoli
Riff: Let's push him a little closer to death.
8/28/11
Headline: Rebels seize pro-Gadhafi stronghold
Riff: I guess that's more exciting than them seizing his weakhold.
Headline: Ron Paul wants to cut FEMA
Riff: Rob Paul wants to cut everything except the length of his own speeches.
Headline: India activist to end hunger strike
Riff: Thus begins his 'eating strike.'
Headline: Buffett's one-day win: $357 million
Riff: Is he going to give 75% to the government like he wants to?
Headline: Perry gets bounce but race not over
Riff: At least Perry got the fabric softener.
Headline: Botox approved for incontinence
Riff: That's good. Otherwise a lot of people would be pissed.
Headline: Fantasy football's big debates
Riff: Ah yes, the 'should we get a life' debate.
Headline: Texas A&M Could Leave Big 12 by End of Week
Riff: Shh. Do you hear me caring? No. Oh, yeah. I don't.
Headline: Irene a Curveball for Obama Amid Economic Push
Riff: We don't want to get too distracting from Obama's blowing it.
8/26/11
Headline: Live blog: 'Not safe at the beaches'
Riff: Wow. That's insightful.
Headline: Photos: Hurricane Irene moves in
Riff: Ok, put the camera down and get in a safe place.
Headline: Being thin won't stop heart attack
Riff: CNN wants you to know you're gonna DIE!
Headline: Quake a wake-up call for Eastern U.S.?
Riff: At 1:30 in the afternoon? Quit sleeping in, Eastern U.S.!
Headline: Indecent exposure charge for Dykstra
Riff: He must've knocked the cover off the ball.
Headline: 'It's not all about soccer, it's about life'
Riff: No, actually it's just about soccer.
Headline: Beetle Makes Its Way to U.S. from India
Riff: That's where it has the best chance of getting a job.
Headline: Disapproval of Congress at all-time high in new poll
Riff: Who the hell is approving of them?
Headline: Fat camp shows China battling the bulge
Riff: Actually, they're collecting sweat for a new energy drink.
8/25/11
Headline: LIVE: NC hurricane briefing
Riff: Ahhh! Panic! End of briefing.
Headline: Stinging rain slaps Bahamas
Riff: Make up your mind. Is it stinging or slapping?
Headline: 'Cone of uncertainty'
Riff: The story of Joe Biden's skull.
Headline: Rebels think Gadhafi is surrounded
Riff: His head is definitely surrounded by a greasy afro.
Headline: Boy, 12, helps deliver baby brother
Riff: Only problem is he delivered him with UPS.
Headline: Cheney Says He Advised Bush to Bomb Syria
Riff: To be fair, Cheney advised Bush to bomb everything.
Headline: Psychic Offered $1M to Prove Mental Powers
Riff: I'll give him three bucks if he finds this headline riff.
Headline: Buffett to Invest $5B in Bank of America
Riff: He was trying to make a deposit and things snowballed.
Headline: Police: Pa. newlyweds shoplifted reception food
Riff: They misunderstood the meaning of providing 'hot food.'
8/24/11
Headline: Gadhafi compound | Before and after
Riff: The new sconces are nice.
Headline: Washington Monument cracked
Riff: Sounds like a job for duct tape.
Headline: Open Story: Did you feel the quake?
Riff: Um, yes. I shook like the wrong end of a nanny cam.
Headline: NC gov.: Get ready for Irene
Riff: Panic!
Headline: What Libya rebels learned from Iraq
Riff: Grab the guy in charge and hang him?
Headline: 'Nightmare' scenarios for Libya
Riff: Big mob of guys takes over?
Headline: A different battle ahead in Libya
Riff: It involves breakdancing.
Headline: School Pulls Reading List Book Over Lesbian Sex
Riff: I guess the "Sixth-Grader's Guide to Lesbian Sex" was a bad idea in retrospect.
Headline: Strong Quake Shakes D.C., East Coast
Riff: THE ENDIVE IS STILL STANDING!
8/23/11
Headline: Mom's dying wish leads to son's arrest
Riff: It also led to him wearing clean underwear.
Headline: How to stop Bay Area fan violence
Riff: Two words: Pink uniforms.
Headline: Google+: 10 things it does better
Riff: Number 1: Hype.
Headline: 'Hound Dog' songwriter dies
Riff: Does that mean I'm safe to drink his liquor from an old fruit jar?
Headline: Post-Gadhafi Libya: Not like Iraq
Riff: In Libya, no one will be there to keep the nuts at bay.
Headline: Fighting rages in Libya
Riff: Of course it's raging. Fighting doesn't tend to meander.
Headline: President of Rating Agency S&P Stepping Down
Riff: What else is there to do in life after you've grabbed a whole country by the nuts?
Headline: U.N. Rights Body Demands Syria End Violence
Riff: U.N.: Don't make us firmly demand a second time with some finger waving.
Headline: Feds Reply to Lance Armstrong Leaks in Sealed Filing
Riff: What do they care about his dental work?
8/22/11
Headline: U.N. to hold special meeting on Syria
Riff: The U.N. doesn't take kindly to anyone fighting corruption.
Headline: Ford, Toyota team up to build big hybrids
Riff: That's like putting pink ribbons on an Olympic weightlifter.
Headline: Frum: Give Obama a break
Riff: Everyone Else: No.
Headline: 5,000 kids a year hurt in window falls
Riff: This and more surveys to scare the crap out of you, on CNN.
Headline: 2 shot after NFL preseason game
Riff: At least the violence got a bit more moderate this year.
Headline: Ferrari auctioned for record $16.4M
Riff: Money can't buy you a large willy, but this is close.
Headline: MSNBC's Ed Schultz misled viewers
Riff: Amazing how CNN posts this headline and MSNBC doesn't.
Headline: $2 gas promise called 'flat out nuts'
Riff: Why aren't more people calling $3.50 gas flat out nuts, dammit?!
Headline: Granny won't leave foreclosed home
Riff: For sale: Two bedroom home, great location. Amenities include one granny.
8/16/11
Headline: Merkel, Sarkozy meet as euro struggles
Riff: I'm converting all of my currency to shrunken heads.
Headline: European economy hits a wall
Riff: Well, it probably won't damage the wall much.
Headline: Warren Buffett: Tax the rich
Riff: He meant 'Tax Rich.' He doesn't like this guy named Rich at all.
Headline: Obama to talks jobs with Iowa farmers
Riff: Um, they have jobs. They're farmers.
Headline: Wal-Mart U.S. sales still hurting
Riff: I'm trying to feel sympathetic, but I can't stop laughing.
Headline: BART shuts, opens doors to foil protest
Riff: That's right! Nobody comes on a BART train to protest foil!
Headline: Bill Clinton's GOP crush
Riff: Bill Clinton: I want you, Rich Perry. I want you in my manly arms.
Headline: Hulk Hogan, daughter show skin
Riff: Isn't he known for ripping is shirt off? What's the surprise here?
Headline: Brands Scramble to Prevent X-Rated Rip-Offs
Riff: Who wants another bowl of Money Shot-Frosted Flakes?
8/15/11
Headline: Gadhafi urges backers to take up arms
Riff: All three of 'em?
Headline: Mubarak wheeled back into court
Riff: On wheels today, on ice tomorrow.
Headline: The putt Bradley will 'never forget'
Riff: Neither will she.
Headline: Surfing not just for people anymore
Riff: It's also for Californians.
Headline: Wiener War: Sara Lee, Kraft Battle Over Hot Dogs
Riff: Too many adult film metaphors to categorize here.
Headline: Google to Buy Motorola Mobility for $12.5 Billion
Riff: New company to be called Motogoogla.
Headline: Dow Rallies on Japan Data, Google Deal
Riff: Is there anything Google CAN'T do?!
Headline: Chinese shocked by US envoy's 'normal behavior'
Riff: Sounds like they watch too much Jersey Shore.
Headline: It's a girl! Jessica Alba welcomes baby No. 2
Riff: Isn't No. 2 a euphemism for poop?
8/14/11
Headline: Should Wall Street scare us?
Riff: No. They should just drive BMWs and bang hot chicks.
Headline: Pawlenty drops out of presidential race
Riff: Paw-who?
Headline: Gadhafi urges Libyans: Be ready to fight
Riff: But are they ready for some football?
Headline: 11-year-old makes $50,000 shot
Riff: That's how it goes in the adult film industry.
Headline: Mother Accused of Beating Son for Using Facebook
Riff: The last straw was when he sent her a gift in Mafia Wars.
Headline: 94-Year-Old Wakes Up to Find Blimp in Backyard
Riff: It's actually his Lincoln Town Car.
Headline: Scientists Find Natural Agent That Kills Food Bacteria
Riff: It is the breath of Biden.
Headline: Rapper May Face Charges For Flash Mob Calls
Riff: He's being charged with spontaneous mass gayness.
Headline: Cash-starved states look to Web gambling
Riff: Great. Bet the state treasurer on 22 red.
8/12/11
Headline: Obama: Nothing wrong with U.S.
Riff: That's like a termite infestation saying there's nothing wrong with your house.
Headline: To save $$, buy new car, not used
Riff: How screwed up do we have to be for this to make sense?
Headline: Postal Service wants to cut 120,000 jobs
Riff: We still have a postal service?
Headline: How would U.S. cops handle riots?
Riff: South Central cops or rural Alabama cops?
Headline: See a shooting star? Might be a meteor
Riff: Or a fat kid that got catapulted.
Headline: Are Bert and Ernie gay?
Riff: No and stopping ruining my childhood!
Headline: Alleged Alex Trebek Robber Says She's a Prostitute
Riff: Ooh, sorry. You forgot to phrase that in the form of a question.
Headline: Man Allegedly Urinates on Girl During Flight to N.Y.
Riff: That's business class for ya.
Headline: Singer Jani Lane dead
Riff: I guess he ain't gonna swing with my daughter no more.
8/11/11
Headline: Who's on debt 'super committee'?
Riff: Tim Geithner, Warren Buffett, and Aquaman.
Headline: Obama to revisit economic bright spot
Riff: The Reagan years?
Headline: Syrian troops roll into Saraqib
Riff: Hopefully they at least bought Saraqib dinner and a movie first.
Headline: Wisconsin's angry message for U.S.
Riff: Wisconsin: Get your damn hands off my cheese!
Headline: Groupon admits it's unprofitable
Riff: Wow. Big shocker there.
Headline: Dry Texas town to recycle urine
Riff: They're going to start selling Mountain Dew?
Headline: Jane Fonda: Still working out at 73
Riff: She better. Ho Chi Minh tends to shoot the elderly once they get frail.
Headline: Bull runs down street in Washington
Riff: Bull also tends to run down the Senate chamber.
Headline: ACORN Gets Slapped With Voter Fraud Fine
Riff: I'd be happy with them just getting slapped, but this is good.
8/10/11
Headline: U.S. may ask Syria's leader to step down
Riff: I didn't realize Syria was under our jurisdiction.
Headline: GOP keeps control of WI state Senate
Riff: Suck it, unions.
Headline: S. Korea fires back at N. Korea
Riff: Um, Barack? Are you paying attention here? WWIII?
Headline: Jeffs is 'pervert,' FLDS says
Riff: Kind of like half the Senate?
Headline: Hacker group vows to 'kill Facebook'
Riff: If Google couldn't do it, nobody can.
Headline: iPhone can be hacked in 18 minutes
Riff: 30 seconds with an ax.
Headline: Bus driver fired for helping cops
Riff: Engaging in a pursuit probably wasn't the best idea.
Headline: Arnold wears 'I Survived Maria' T-shirt
Riff: If only California could say the same...
Headline: Janet Jackson gives fans what they want in Portsmouth
Riff: Her left breast and a bag over her head?
8/9/11
Headline: This is NOT 2008
Riff: No, it isn't. We had hope in 2008.
Headline: Stay in stocks? | Move to cash?
Riff: Try Yen.
Headline: Silver lining to the downgrade?
Riff: Rent-A-Center might get the White House as a new customer.
Headline: Polygamist leader gets life in prison
Riff: I wonder if he'll have multiple bitches.
Headline: Newspaper developing its own tablet
Riff: I've always wanted to be able to get the news in a pill.
Headline: South faces 'creeping disaster'
Riff: That's those big blue blobs we see on the map during elections.
Headline: 'Dirty Dancing' remake in the works
Riff: I wish they'd just keep that baby in the corner.
Headline: Colorado Considers Donkey Racing as Official Sport
Riff: If I wanted to watch a bunch of asses race, I'd turn on Indy.
Headline: ClamCase is the cure to iPad's biggest shortcoming
Riff: That would be its inability to hold clams.
8/8/11
Headline: What's your take on the S&P downgrade?
Riff: We're trillions of dollars in debt and we still get to be AA+?
Headline: Mayor shuts off water in Texas town
Riff: He was the last one out for the weekend. It's a small town.
Headline: Check out baby Beckham
Riff: Is it bendable?
Headline: Would you dress your baby like Gaga?
Riff: No. That would be a waste of good meat.
Headline: U.S. Swimmer Begins Cuba-Florida Journey
Riff: Her film crew is really a front for people to sneak across the border.
Headline: Mexican Smugglers Nearly Interrupt Calif. Surf Contest
Riff: At first they thought someone was surfing in a pickup truck.
Headline: Surviving NASA Rover Nears Rim of Martian Crater
Riff: Hopefully it can execute its next command: Stop.
Headline: Geithner to Remain as Treasury Secretary
Riff: Nice. He wants to go down with the ship.
Headline: Arab nations break silence, slam Syria violence
Riff: Arab nations know violence and Syria needs to step it up to meet standards.
8/7/11
Headline: S&P strips AAA status
Riff: They'll have to learn how to change their own tires now.
Headline: Why you don't need to panic
Riff: Ok. Panic.
Headline: Treasury officials slam S&P analysis
Riff: How dare the S&P do its job!
Headline: Who's left in AAA club
Riff: Phil Donahue and Syria.
Headline: First website ever turns 20
Riff: Tell us all about it, Mr. Gore.
Headline: Kutcher films 1st 'Men' episode
Riff: It has an exciting scene where he jumps over a shark in a leather jacket.
Headline: Mysterious Orange Goo Baffles Alaska Village
Riff: It's called Sunny Delight.
Headline: Japan Team Produces Sperm From Mice Stem Cells
Riff: I don't know what they were doing with those mice.
Headline: Emotional 'Prime Time' enters Pro Football Hall of Fame
Riff: He had to duck out early to get to the baseball hall of fame show.
8/5/11
Headline: Air travel refund procedure still fuzzy
Riff: We haven't quite reached the wuzzy stage yet, but we're close.
Headline: 2 accused of making suspects eat pot
Riff: Such a waste of good pot. Unless we're talking about cookware.
Headline: Hacker can disable your Apple laptop
Riff: Baseball bat can disable hacker.
Headline: NASA sending LEGOs to Jupiter
Riff: Wow, the budget really has been slashed.
Headline: Coldplay pays tribute to Amy Winehouse
Riff: Interest name for a band paying tribute to a dead girl.
Headline: Insulin Pumps, Monitors Vulnerable to Hacking
Riff: Not quite as much as comedy clubs.
Headline: Former Bush Counsel Takes Aim at Media Matters
Riff: When's somebody going to do something about Family Matters? Stupid Urkel.
Headline: Tropical Storm Emily Breaks Up After Soaking Haiti
Riff: It sited created differences.
Headline: Obama seeks tax credits to help veterans get jobs
Riff: Obama: Quick, find me some legislation that makes me look sensitive.
8/4/11
Headline: 36M pounds of ground turkey recalled
Riff: Biden was hungry.
Headline: Syria's Assad wants multi-party system
Riff: He can have our Democrats.
Headline: 15 states too hot for humans
Riff: That would explain most of California's population.
Headline: Kraft splitting into 2 companies
Riff: Companies to be called 'Kra' and 'Fft.'
Headline: Rep. resigns over sex scandal
Riff: How unoriginal.
Headline: Is Tiger still a contender?
Riff: Yes, but only with the ladies.
Headline: Kutcher's 'Men' role revealed
Riff: I'm guessing he's going to look pretty and read cue cards.
Headline: Billionaire's wife saves horses
Riff: Apparently she also has friends on CNN's editorial staff.
Headline: Air France Orders Male-Only Crew for Strauss-Kahn
Riff: Hopefully they'll have that signature French BO.
8/3/11
Headline: 4,000 FAA workers left in the lurch
Riff: The Lurch is a sandwich restaurant.
Headline: Man jumps White House fence
Riff: The President should do something about securing his borders.
Headline: After mammogram furor, what next?
Riff: Pap smear dictator?
Headline: Is Earth missing a moon?
Riff: That's nothing a little well-placed padding couldn't hide.
Headline: People strip naked on Wall Street
Riff: Suddenly more people want to be stock brokers.
Headline: A Possible Cure for Age-Related Muscle Loss?
Riff: Not sitting on your ass?
Headline: State Bans Web Contact Between Kids, Teachers
Riff: Kids, if you're hot for teacher, stick to text messaging.
Headline: Pregnant Women Should Avoid Microwaves
Riff: They should also avoid falling space junk.
Headline: Scientists Create Organism That Manufactures Fuel
Riff: In other words, they had kids.
8/2/11
Headline: Ex-Detroit mayor released from prison
Riff: That's a much-needed political boost.
Headline: Machine turns air into water
Riff: Let's try it out at the UN's headquarters.
Headline: Blame Fabio if your romance fails
Riff: I blame anyone who smacks birds with his face.
Headline: &^%$! Swearing may be bad for you
Riff: Well, &^%$.
Headline: Kings of Leon cancel U.S. tour
Riff: I hear the Squires of Leon will perform for half the price.
Headline: Ciao! Italian Models Tour Libya as Qaddafi's Guests
Riff: Well, the tour was mainly of his spa and bedroom. The rest of Libya is on fire.
Headline: Is Dead Man Suspected Hijacker D.B. Cooper?
Riff: Do we still care?
Headline: N.Y. Voters Put Proposed New Hockey Arena on Ice
Riff: Get it? Ice? Hockey? Oh, the creativity.
Headline: Consumer Reports pans new Honda Civic
Riff: This is a sign of the apocalypse.
8/1/11
Headline: Winners and losers of debt deal
Riff: Winners: Politicians. Losers: Us. Any questions?
Headline: Share your message to Congress
Riff: My message to congress: Suck it.
Headline: $180M in cocaine found on sub
Riff: It's Subway's new Sweet Honey Chicken Blow Sub!
Headline: PBS unveils 'Mister Rogers' 2.0
Riff: It's just like the old one, but with lasers.
Headline: Kate recycles royal frocks
Riff: She figured out how to clean the blood off?
Headline: Walls of home ooze honey
Riff: Lickable wallpaper is real!
Headline: Police: Man Tries to Steal Cruiser, Blames 'Batman'
Riff: Must be one of the Riddler's diabolical riddles.
Headline: Russia to Syria: 'Use of force ... must cease'
Riff: Syria to Russia: 'Use of ellipses ... must cease.'
Headline: Fish oil in pregnancy may ward off babies' colds
Riff: Or it may just make your breath stink.
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