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7/29/10
Headline: Obama at Urban League
Riff: Next week, he'll be at the Turban League.
Headline: Woman declared dead seen in Vegas?
Riff: Don't tell me her name is Elvis.
Headline: Chicago School Refuses to Host Karl Rove
Riff: Chicago school mysteriously disappears.
Headline: Mother Nature Helps Cool Calif. Wildfire
Riff: I hope so. She started it.
Headline: Are Some Soaps Damaging Sex Organs?
Riff: No pain, no ocean-fresh gain.
Headline: Obama Skips Out on Scouts for 'The View'
Riff: Tomorrow, he's going to dis the Rotary Club to go on 'Maury Povich.'
Headline: Did Obama Make the Right Call?
Riff: If he didn't resign, the answer is no.
Headline: 82 Hippos, 9 Buffalo Killed in Anthrax Outbreak
Riff: That band has a SERIOUS mosh pit.
Headline: Calls for Rangel to quit could escalate if no deal
Riff: But Rangel still has seven briefcases to open!
7/28/10
Headline: Pentagon has 'main suspect' in leak
Riff: It's usually assumed to be Joe Biden.
Headline: WikiLeaks documents: What we know
Riff: It's important that we be responsible with this sensitive... aw heck, let's blab.
Headline: Iran ready for 'effective cooperation'
Riff: N. Korea: Cool! Let's make some nukes!
Headline: Spain's Catalonia bans bullfighting
Riff: How will bulls resolve disputes now?
Headline: Old bones found in FL recreation area
Riff: Old bones? in Florida? Imagine that.
Headline: Fisherman tapes gator 'feeding frenzy'
Riff: When will people learn to put the camera done and RUN FOR IT?!
Headline: Linda Hogan, 50, engaged to beau, 21
Riff: National Geographic catches rare footage of the cougar with its prey...
Headline: Critic makes living smoking marijuana
Riff: The story of Roger Ebert.
Headline: Asteroid May Hit Earth in 2182, Scientists Warn
Riff: Hopefully it'll be after May. I don't want to miss my 207th birthday.
7/27/10
Headline: BP ousts Tony Hayward
Riff: Now he can focus on trying to cap his toothpaste.
Headline: The disaster you won't see on camera
Riff: Which Obama cabinet meeting are we talking about here?
Headline: Fashion advice from Snooki
Riff: Wear anything that goes good with crabs and the clap.
Headline: U.S., S. Korea Drop Anti-Sub Bombs in Drills
Riff: We all live in a yellow subma... holy crap what was that?!
Headline: Study: Receipts May Be Harmful to Your Health
Riff: More from the Bureau of People Who Want to Scare the Crap out of You.
Headline: U.S. Braces for Wikileaks Blowback
Riff: Perhaps the U.S. and Wikileaks should rent a private room.
Headline: ‘Maybe I'll be doing this when I’m 50,’ Favre says
Riff: Maybe you will, but most of us won't be watching, Bret.
Headline: Why IQ scores vary by nation
Riff: Because some nations are stupid?
Headline: Blago Trial's Final Drama
Riff: That's wishful thinking.
7/26/10
Headline: Foreclosed? Try bankruptcy
Riff: Call Barack. He was supposed to take care of that for you.
Headline: N. Korea threatens nuclear response
Riff: Still happy with those sanctions?
Headline: Pigeons run Kings of Leon from stage
Riff: It's a pheasant uprising in the kingdom of Leon!
Headline: Iran: Nuclear fusion program launched
Riff: Iran: We have also cloned Elvis and landed a ship on Mars.
Headline: Mmmm, scratch & sniff wallpaper
Riff: The snozberries taste like snozberries!
Headline: New car can send its own Tweets
Riff: @car - This yutz is using me to tailgate again.
Headline: Russia's Putin Jumps on Harley at Biker Rally
Riff: Putin: Bring me a bitch and call me Thor, dammit.
Headline: YOU DECIDE: Will Sanctions Work?
Riff: ...like an ejector seat in a helicopter.
Headline: Aides: Possible deal explored in Rangel case
Riff: Rangel may plead guilty to the slightly lesser offense of being a dumb f**k.
7/23/10
Headline: Sherrod gets call from Obama
Riff: Obama: Hi, is this Kim Jong Il? No? Oh, sorry. Bye.
Headline: A cop, tennis and kids
Riff: Three great reasons to put a coozie on that beer.
Headline: Report: $180M paid to dead people
Riff: Zombies gotta eat.
Headline: Report: Northwest Airlines Ignored Safety Orders
Riff: Flagrant disregard for putting tray tables in a full, upright position.
Headline: Darth Vader Robs New York Bank
Riff: I thought I felt a great disturbance in the force.
Headline: Sen. Candidate Greene Defends Military Record
Riff: Greene: Um, uh, I like to color. With crayons.
Headline: Sen. Kerry docks yacht in R.I., saves on taxes
Riff: If you read this headline out loud, it makes you want to smack him even more.
Headline: 'Corpse flower' could stink up Texas wedding
Riff: A little RoundUp goes a long way...
Headline: Cheerleading a Sport? Americans Take Sides
Riff: It can't be a sport. Who would cheer for them?
7/22/10
Headline: Obama signs fraud bill
Riff: That hardly narrows it down. Most of his bills are frauds.
Headline: Hearing on Gibson restraining order
Riff: Let's not allow him within 5,000 feet of America.
Headline: Woman films as buffalo attacks her
Riff: Two words: Dude, run!
Headline: Pet toys going green
Riff: Maybe you should clean them every once in a while.
Headline: Blind carpenter still honing his craft
Riff: We don't have the heart to tell him, but he's just honing a toaster.
Headline: Sanctions = No Bonus Booty for N. Korea
Riff: That's really gonna put a damper on Kim Jong Il's booty call.
Headline: N. Korea Threat: South Will Be 'Sea of Fire'
Riff: How are those sanctions working, Hil?
Headline: Billboard Spotlights Right-to-Die Group
Riff: They think everyone has a right to half a pair of dice.
Headline: Bring back the tax on inherited wealth
Riff: Whoever wrote this headline needs a smack in the face.
7/21/10
Headline: 'Static kill' could begin in 48 hours
Riff: BP has called in the mighty teddy bear of Snuggle Fabric Softener.
Headline: Storm in Caribbean could get serious
Riff: But it will most likely go with XM.
Headline: Obama's empty Wall St. victory
Riff: It's a letdown when you run out of stuff to regulate.
Headline: Loopy Whoopi blames medication
Riff: Loopy Whoopi also peed on my cactus.
Headline: Man flies with 18 monkeys in shirt
Riff: Actually, he just has a lot of chest hair.
Headline: Scientists Discover Most Massive Star
Riff: More massive than Kirsty Alley?
Headline: Obama Signs Wall Street Overhaul
Riff: First he had to have Anakin kill off the whole Jedi council.
Headline: New Black Panther Boss Sang Terror Tune
Riff: He sang 'Mandy?'
Headline: Stone Age Carving or Ancient Sex Toy?
Riff: The story of Hugh Hefner's private parts.
7/20/10
Headline: Jobless may get a break
Riff: Not a job, mind you, just a break.
Headline: 'Bouquet bandit' holds up N.Y bank
Riff: Gimme all your money. I've got flowers and I'm not afraid to use 'em!
Headline: UFOs cause a stir in China
Riff: Wow. Alien whisks.
Headline: Muslims 'Prepare' for U.K. Pope Visit
Riff: Don't bother, Muslims. He's in full Pope Armor.
Headline: Graham Still a Maverick With Kagan Vote
Riff: Let's fill his car with yogurt.
Headline: W. Va. Gov. in Bid for Byrd's Senate Seat
Riff: I hope he realizes it still smells like moth balls.
Headline: Laser Weapon Blasts Spy Drones Out of the Sky
Riff: Dammit, Ken, why did you make that Phase Conjugate Tracking System and Large Spinning Mirror?!
Headline: Is American at Helm of Al Qaeda Magazine?
Riff: He edits the fashion section.
Headline: Facebook hated as much as airlines, cable companies
Riff: But not quite as much as Congress.
7/19/10
Headline: Is the disaster over?
Riff: Nope. Obama's still President.
Headline: Report: Intel team 'unmanageable'
Riff: Just like Lindsay Lohan.
Headline: Who would win with term limits?
Riff: Americans.
Headline: Big fat food fibs parents tell kids
Riff: Try it. You'll like it.
Headline: Planet, comet or both?
Riff: So it's kind of a plomet?
Headline: Spencer Pratt: I chose fame over Heidi
Riff: Rest of World: What was your name again?
Headline: Could Mel Gibson go to jail?
Riff: Better question: Could Mel Gibson make it out of jail?
Headline: British PM: Lockerbie Bomber Release 'Wrong'
Riff: British PM: Pope wears funny hat, bears s**t in woods.
Headline: Obama to GOP: Restore jobless benefits
Riff: Barack just wants something to fall back on when he's jobless in two years.
7/18/10
Headline: Zsa Zsa Gabor breaks hip in fall
Riff: Zsa Zsa Go-boom.
Headline: Feds to Monitor, Report Americans' Obesity
Riff: First report from Feds: Yep, they're fat.
Headline: Rivals Hit Back at Apple for 'Weak Spots' Claims
Riff: Ma Bell: No weak spots on our rotary phones, dammit.
Headline: Feds Nab Alleged Drug Lord After 10-Year Hunt
Riff: They must not have been in Mexico.
Headline: Divers Find 200-Year-Old Champagne in Wreck
Riff: Watch. Some yutz will criticize it.
Headline: U.S. Lawmakers Turn to Faith Leaders
Riff: Because Faith Leaders is a hottie with reasonable rates.
Headline: CIA: Iran Scientist Faces Hostile Future
Riff: Is there any Iranian nuclear scientist who doesn't face a hostile future?!
Headline: Atheists Reportedly 'De-Baptize' With Hair Dryers
Riff: They should try 'De-Circumcising' with a staple gun.
Headline: Woods goes back to old putter at British Open
Riff: Too many jokes. Can't pick one.
7/16/10
Headline: UK: Pan Am bomber release a mistake
Riff: UK: We didn't realize that guy in the prison cell labeled 'Pan Am Bomber' was the Pan Am Bomber.
Headline: Apple to offer iPhone 4 fix?
Riff: Yes, but Steve Jobs has to be smug first.
Headline: Lawyer: 'Barefoot bandit' has remorse
Riff: Yeah, he stole it from your living room.
Headline: Fill-in for Byrd's seat to be named
Riff: Hopefully they made sure Byrd's dead body isn't still trying to work.
Headline: 5 flavors frozen out at Baskin-Robbins
Riff: The BP Chocolate Drizzle didn't go over so well.
Headline: Tiger hits the course
Riff: He heard there were hot chicks there.
Headline: Pink injured in stage accident
Riff: Missed a chance at the best headline ever - Pink: Black and blue.
Headline: Was El Chupacabra Spotted in Texas?
Riff: No, that was Ke$ha.
Headline: Paul the Octopus won’t be sold to Spain
Riff: He's expected to announce that he's going to Miami.
7/15/10
Headline: Obama, Hitler on same billboard
Riff: They both love Rusty's Chicken Shack.
Headline: UN, North Korea talk about ship attack
Riff: UN: Nice shot, Kim.
Headline: Tiny new homes for families in Iraq
Riff: They better not be pink. Little Pink Houses are exclusively American.
Headline: Congress debates Bible, immigration
Riff: The bastards must be working on legislation to send Jews back to Egypt.
Headline: Body shape linked to women's memory
Riff: Bad news, ladies. An Elephant never forgets.
Headline: RFK Jr. wife: Divorce filing, DUI charge
Riff: So steeped in Kennedy tradition...
Headline: Europe: U.S. Relations 'Not Living Up to Potential'
Riff: All of Europe said that? Nice work, Barack.
Headline: 'Barefoot Bandit' Case Hints at Security Gap
Riff: Translation: Barefoot Bandit case highlights gaping security chasm.
Headline: Iran scientist returns home, claims U.S. 'torture'
Riff: We kept pelting him with 100 dollar bills.
7/14/10
Headline: White House: Stimulus saved 3 million jobs
Riff: They are all currently held by illegal immigrants.
Headline: Oil Keeps Gushing as BP Cap Analyzed
Riff: BP Cap to trace its fear of spiders back it abusive mother.
Headline: Gitmo Becomes Playground for Detainees
Riff: Abdul Mullah Ahmad looks so cute on the rocking horse.
Headline: Seattle cartoonist gets death threats
Riff: Yeah, Ziggy pisses me off.
Headline: Bristol Palin, Levi engaged
Riff: The Whole World: Dude, WTF?!
Headline: Kids find missing exotic turtles
Riff: Police found the kids stuffing 20's into their shells hoping for a lap dance.
Headline: How to tell a co-worker they can't type
Riff: Hey, moron. You can't type.
Headline: Neb. Council OKs Ban on Hiring Illegals
Riff: Aren't we already not allowed to do that?
Headline: Iran Says Nuclear Scientist on His Way Home
Riff: Ahmadenijad: We need him back home because something just started glowing.
7/13/10
Headline: Burqa ban moves forward in France
Riff: France is hoping it will be as successful as the ban on soap.
Headline: Iran says missing scientist is in D.C.
Riff: It makes sense that he'd hide out in the only place where science doesn't matter.
Headline: Tough questions for Tiger
Riff: Two trains, A and B, leave Chicago at 3pm...
Headline: Poll: Majority Losing Faith in Obama
Riff: I didn't realize he was a religion.
Headline: Study: Felons May Have Put Franken in Senate
Riff: They just wanted him to be around other felons.
Headline: For recyclers, one (complicated) word: Plastics
Riff: Here's another one: Dipthong.
Headline: Ten signs you work in a fear-based workplace
Riff: Stop reading The Endive and get back to work, slacker!
Headline: Bandit tries to rob Amish buggy
Riff: Black Bart is on the loose! The train's next!
Headline: NRA expands agenda beyond guns
Riff: New agenda to include 'other guns.'
7/12/10
Headline: WH plan called 'backasswards'
Riff: I disagree. In most White House plans, the ass comes first.
Headline: Vote threatens split Church of England
Riff: They can't choose between Jacob and Edward? Sheesh.
Headline: Hef taking Playboy private?
Riff: Most adolescent males do that all the time.
Headline: How to get babies off bottle at 9 months
Riff: You could piss in it, but you'd get in trouble with CPS.
Headline: Does a Depression Loom?
Riff: No, a Depression descends and envelops.
Headline: Mexico Captures Alleged Drug Gang Boss
Riff: No big feat. Anyone walking the streets of Mexico is an alleged drug gang boss.
Headline: For your bucket list: MLB’s must-see players
Riff: Lamest. Bucket list. Ever.
Headline: The 8 lowest-paying jobs in America
Riff: Number 1: Editor of The Endive.
Headline: The do-it-yourself stimulus
Riff: Does this have anything to do with taking Playboy private?
7/11/10
Headline: U.S. urges N. Korea to free American
Riff: That'll get him out. More urging. Nice.
Headline: Biden admits he was wrong
Riff: That hardly narrows it down.
Headline: Doctors help boy with half a face
Riff: Obama would donate his second face, but he still uses it.
Headline: Rare Photos of Fidel Castro Released
Riff: He was trying to surpress those pictures of his disco phase.
Headline: Black Panther Leader Defends Group
Riff: They're friendly militant nutcases!
Headline: 'Grim Sleeper' Slipped Through Cracks?
Riff: Yeah, but enough about him being gay. What about the murders?
Headline: 2 Fighters Responded During Obama Trip
Riff: That must've been some good acid.
Headline: Catholics Upset Over Rosary Beads as Fashion
Riff: They do look kind of funny hanging from a pierced nose.
Headline: Attorney general: Russian spies posed threat to U.S.
Riff: Um, duh.
7/9/10
Headline: CNN dives beneath the Gulf
Riff: Great. Like it needed more pollution.
Headline: U.N. condemns sinking of S. Korea ship
Riff: It took them a while to figure out that it was a bad thing.
Headline: Is Sen. Reid's name politically toxic?
Riff: It's several kinds of toxic.
Headline: 'Barefoot bandit' may be in Bahamas
Riff: Quick... check everyone in the Bahamas with bare feet! Uh oh.
Headline: China: U.S. Uses Facebook to Sow Unrest
Riff: Hey! Chinese people! Start some unrest!
Headline: Queen Elizabeth set to be a great-grandma
Riff: One more in line to poison her to death and usurp the throne!
Headline: Worst job in politics? Governors convene, commiserate
Riff: Don't forget Bill Clinton's dry cleaner.
Headline: Presbyterians Vote to Allow Gay Clergy
Riff: New sect to be called the Pres-bi-terians.
Headline: Yankees reportedly on verge of getting Cliff Lee
Riff: Cliff Lee?! Wow! Holy Crap! Um, who's Cliff Lee?
7/8/10
Headline: Oystermen haul in nets full of death
Riff: Well, at least the sushi restaurants will have fresh food.
Headline: Police: Church $$$ used for escorts
Riff: Church: Next time we'll get Chevy Cavaliers.
Headline: Obama back on the campaign trail
Riff: He draws his power directly from his worshippers.
Headline: Ron Paul ponders politics, 2012 run
Riff: You can tell he's pondering when his head starts bobbling.
Headline: Baby used as decoy in robbery
Riff: Little bastard made off with 27 boxes of Pampers.
Headline: Egypt Discovers 4,300-Year-Old Tombs
Riff: Egypt: Ho-hum. More tombs. Put 'em with the other ones.
Headline: Olé? Oh No! Bulls Gore Two in Spain
Riff: Unsafe? Sure, but way more exciting than the running of the Gerbils.
Headline: 'Glee,' 'The Pacific' lead Emmy nominations
Riff: I can't believe Smackdown got snubbed again!
Headline: New storm heads for Texas-Mexico border
Riff: Obama certainly won't stop it from crossing.
7/7/10
Headline: Noriega gets 7 years in prison in France
Riff: Unless they surrender to him first.
Headline: Feds challenge AZ immigration law
Riff: While they're sorting this out, half of Mexico just moved into Arkansas.
Headline: 'Barefoot bandit' faces indictment
Riff: Later, he'll face some Tinactin.
Headline: Sobbing Lohan gets 90 days in jail
Riff: They must really hate those inmates.
Headline: Levi Johnston says he lied
Riff: Look at me! I got on TV again! I'm so cool!
Headline: No charges in Vick birthday shooting
Riff: As long as no dogs were harmed, everybody's ok with this.
Headline: Is Lady Gaga hotter than Obama?
Riff: Would you like to pierce your eye with a rusty needle or barbed wire?
Headline: UAE Diplomat Endorses U.S. Strike on Iran
Riff: UAE Diplomat: Dibs on their minarets.
Headline: TSA Backs Off Censorship of 'Opinion' Sites
Riff: Hey, TSA! You suck! Whatcha gonna do about it?!
7/6/10
Headline: Show us how you are staying cool
Riff: Covering the Gulf of Mexico in heat absorbent black crude to divert the sun's rays.
Headline: Lindsay Lohan in court
Riff: See the creature in its natural habitat.
Headline: Stamps may go to 46 cents
Riff: Has the post office ever heard of round numbers?!
Headline: NASA's mission to Muslims
Riff: Are we going to shoot them all into space?
Headline: Biden makes bold prediction
Riff: Biden: In two days, I will say something stupid.
Headline: Track star can race again -- as a woman
Riff: IOC: First he needs to get his nuts cut off.
Headline: Authorities Probe Tar Balls Washing Up in Texas
Riff: What's to probe? I think I know where they came from.
Headline: California's Pen$ion Problems
Riff: They're so broke, they can't afford any more of the letter 'S'.
Headline: What to do when the boss hits on you
Riff: Cash in!
7/5/10
Headline: Opposition may get big wins in Mexico
Riff: All the other voters are here working.
Headline: Green Zone shelled during Biden visit
Riff: Had they shelled the Taco Zone instead, they may have hit him.
Headline: Petraeus: Afghan war at critical stage
Riff: What stage was it at before? The fun stage?
Headline: Say goodbye to obesity
Riff: Goodbye, Rosie.
Headline: Couple take cherry 'pit spit' crown
Riff: I heard the loser had a s**t fit and quit the pit spit.
Headline: More Russian Spies Than Ever in U.S.?
Riff: I think they're running the DMV.
Headline: American Geologist Gets 8 Years in Chinese Jail
Riff: In China it's illegal to see schist and take it for granite.
Headline: Companies Craft Apps for Walking Texters
Riff: It automatically makes your funeral arrangements.
Headline: Queen costs Britons less than $1 per year
Riff: She doesn't need their money because she already has it all.
7/4/10
Headline: 66,000 pounds of bison meat recalled
Riff: Come home, Rosie, come home!
Headline: Man loses arm while lighting fireworks
Riff: 1.3 million manage to keep both arms while lighting fireworks.
Headline: Police seize World Cup made of cocaine
Riff: That sounds awfully hard to cram into a nostril.
Headline: Fisherman's catch of the day bites back
Riff: This is why safe fishermen use dynamite.
Headline: Embattled RNC chairman gets support
Riff: He got a bra?
Headline: Golfer shoots under 80 with no arms
Riff: He just did that to make the rest of us feel totally inept.
Headline: Wedding priority No.1 for Clinton
Riff: Let her screw that up instead of our diplomatic relations.
Headline: Pakistan PM to Hold Terrorism Conference
Riff: That's where all the terrorists get together and watch PowerPoint presentations.
Headline: DEA Helps Seize Drug Sub
Riff: It was a turkey club with extra crack.
7/2/10
Headline: Alleged spies reveal true IDs
Riff: It's the Backstreet Boys!
Headline: Rocket fails to dock at space station
Riff: I know a good therapist.
Headline: 'Stunned' Apple to fix iPhone
Riff: If you bring in your iPhone, they'll move your hand for you.
Headline: Facebook to recognize faces
Riff: Hopefully this won't give rise to ButtBook.
Headline: Obama to immigrants: Learn English
Riff: Immigrants to Obama: Que?
Headline: Poll: Would the Founding Fathers Approve?
Riff: Of the poll? No.
Headline: Poll: Obama 15th Best President, Bush 39th
Riff: Neither has Taft's girth.
Headline: Man's Ashes to Be Sent Off in Fireworks
Riff: Weather tonight: Cloudy with a chance of Steve.
Headline: 5 suspects indicted in celebrity burglary cases
Riff: People were stealing celebrities? So that's where Rick Moranis is!
7/1/10
Headline: Largest oil skimmer arrives in Gulf
Riff: The great thing is it runs on totally renewable energy - baby seals.
Headline: Obama calls for immigration reform
Riff: He's calling the program 'No Mexican Left Behind.'
Headline: ACLU issues travel alerts for Arizona
Riff: The Endive issues Asshole alerts for ACLU.
Headline: Finland makes broadband a legal right
Riff: I think that is the most stupid thing I have ever heard in my life.
Headline: 'Do your job!,' Obama told
Riff: Actually, things get much worse when he tries to do his job.
Headline: LeBron knows who will pay the most
Riff: He's going to China?
Headline: As Economy Suffers, Obama Shifts Course
Riff: Obama: Um, let's talk about immigration now. Yeah, that's it.
Headline: 9 Spy Ring Suspects Await Bail Hearings
Riff: Bail? For a spy? WTF?!
Headline: Obama 'whining,' Boehner says
Riff: Obama: C'mooooonnnnnn. I am not, not, NOT whining!
6/30/10
Headline: Are you in the path of Alex? Send pics
Riff: Don't send pics! Run!!!
Headline: Drug stores linked to athletes searched
Riff: Investigators yet to find any Fruit Stripe gum.
Headline: Republican under fire for remark
Riff: Republicans no longer allowed to remark in congress.
Headline: Half of U.S. workers hurt by recession
Riff: The other half are congressman.
Headline: Elizabeth Edwards blasts John
Riff: She had a couple of burritos and an Ex-Lax.
Headline: Birds swoop to attack pedestrians
Riff: Maybe those bread helmets were a bad idea.
Headline: Europe to Ban Crucifixes?
Riff: What will they do when the Cruci breaks again?
Headline: GOP Calls Bluff on Unemployment Benefits
Riff: Unemployment benefits really only had a 7-2 off-suit.
Headline: WIMBLEDON: Federer Upset by Berdych
Riff: That's okay. Serena Williams was upset by Der Bytch.
6/29/10
Headline: Biden to assess oil spill efforts in Gulf
Riff: Smart asses of the world should be waiting there to protest.
Headline: Kagan grilled by senators
Riff: So that's why D.C. smells like bacon grease.
Headline: Oprah Senate talk makes waves
Riff: She'd have less control over the country as a Senator.
Headline: For rent in China: White people
Riff: They need us to reach stuff on the top shelf.
Headline: How bad are your past health sins?
Riff: We know you used to consume bacon through a beer bong.
Headline: Gibson's ex says he punched her
Riff: That would explain those horridly swollen lips.
Headline: For Sale: American Flag With 61 Stars
Riff: We might need that when Michelle Obama's obesity campaign fails.
Headline: Man With Pocket Knife Survives Bear Attack
Riff: Must have been the new Swiss Army knife with the foldable 50cal.*
*Guest riff from our Facebook.
Headline: Facebook is divorce lawyers' new best friend
Riff: Better than Jesse James or Liz Taylor?!
6/28/10
Headline: Colleagues mourn Byrd
Riff: Colleagues to turn over Byrd's coffin in ceremonial 'flipping the byrd.'
Headline: Biden calls ice cream guy 'smarta**'
Riff: Ice cream guy: For the last time, I sell frozen f**king custard!
Headline: Ex-Dictator Manuel Noriega on Trial in France
Riff: It's been almost an entire day and France hasn't surrendered to him yet!
Headline: Bin Laden Hunter: I Wanted Him Alive
Riff: They were going to reenact a scene from Reservoir Dogs.
Headline: Pakistan's Afghan plan leaves U.S. wary
Riff: The man may ban or can the Pakistan Afghan plan.
Headline: Kagan: I will listen hard, work hard
Riff: We were looking for someone who would tune us out and goof off all day.
Headline: Obama Hails G-20, Says Recovery Still Fragile
Riff: Obama: The Infinite G20 is a fine automobile, but it's a tad fragile.
Headline: Online bullies pull schools into the fray
Riff: Erase this headline and give me your lunch money, or I beat you up, MSNBC.
Headline: Ex-dictator Noriega set for drugs trial
Riff: Today, he'll be trying out a variety of drugs and giving feedback.
6/27/10
Headline: Union outraged over Ariz. gov's remark
Riff: Sounds like a certain union needs its diaper changed.
Headline: Robot lifeguard hits the beach
Riff: ED-209: Get out of the deep water. You have 10 seconds to comply. 10, 9...
Headline: Your take: Gay couples as parents
Riff: Kids were never meant to be subjected to that many choices of outfits.
Headline: Vacant Intel Jobs Raise Terror Concerns
Riff: I always knew the Pentium processor was a terrorist plot.
Headline: 6-Year-Old Ohio Girl Placed on 'No-Fly' List
Riff: Maybe that'll teach her to behave on the freaking plane.
Headline: Pope Calls Belgian Sex Abuse Raids Deplorable
Riff: I wonder where he stands on those Dutch panty raids.
Headline: E-Reader Price War Breaks Out
Riff: Send in Petraeus!
Headline: Scientists Propose Menopause-Predicting Test
Riff: Question 1: Are you old?
Headline: Ghana Knocks Out U.S.
Riff: You got us, Ghana. Now we'll go home to our indoor plumbing.
6/25/10
Headline: Petraeus-McChrystal similarities
Riff: They both love musicals.
Headline: Mass. gov blasts school condom policy
Riff: Mass. gov: All I said was that the kids needed protection. Sheesh.
Headline: Obama-Gaga Facebook duel
Riff: Maybe Barack should try some of Gaga's outfits.
Headline: Fat Joe cleared of charges, lawyer says
Riff: Well, except the for the charge that he's fat.
Headline: Stallone to make John Gotti movie
Riff: This must be the much-awaited sequel to 'Stop or my Mom will Shoot.'
Headline: Son answers ad, finds birth mother
Riff: What sucks is that he was 'looking for a good time.'
Headline: School Admin. Wants Corporal Punishment
Riff: He comes with his associates, Major Vengeance and Captain Pain.
Headline: Shattered! The danger hanging in your bathroom
Riff: Another headline from the 'Scare the Crap out of you' bureau.
Headline: Dog stylists unleash your pets’ fabulousness
Riff: Translation: Flamer humiliates dogs.
6/24/10
Headline: Obama told general: Explain yourself
Riff: I really hope he replied "You first."
Headline: Iran seized U.S. hikers in Iraq
Riff: Dude, WTF?! Isn't that an act of war?! Barack?! Hello?!
Headline: Van der Sloot complains about cops
Riff: Did you hear that sound? It was the thud of his lawyer's head hitting his desk.
Headline: Iffy origins of 'lion burger'
Riff: Apparently, lion meat tastes a lot like used carpet padding.
Headline: Daniel Radcliffe thought Bieber was girl
Riff: Harry Potter was hitting on a guy?! I blame Dumbledore!
Headline: Lack of Funds Could Kill Korean War Museum
Riff: But where will we memorialize Alan Alda's bravery?
Headline: Top court sides with ex-Enron CEO Skilling
Riff: Top court agrees that there were some hotties working at Enron.
Headline: Organic labels may trick dieters into overeating
Riff: Dieters should steer clear of organic pork rinds in extra mayonnaise.
Headline: Obama welcomes Medvedev, warmer relations
Riff: They plan to snuggle together on the love seat.
6/23/10
Headline: Flaws ID'd on American Airlines aircraft
Riff: Besides the fact that they make gnomes claustrophobic?
Headline: How to handle McChrystal?
Riff: Medal of Honor comes to mind.
Headline: BP names new point man
Riff: Hayward: Here's your new point man. Attack him! Go!
Headline: Haley to backers: 'We're not there yet'
Riff: Backers to Haley: How about now? Can we stop at a bathroom?
Headline: CNN's new hosts: Spitzer, Parker
Riff: Spitzer to host 'Pickin' out the ho's with Eliot.'
Headline: Helen Mirren poses topless for mag
Riff: Yeah, it was 'Taxidermist Monthly.'
Headline: Iran: We've Produced More Enriched Uranium
Riff: Iran: Nevermind. A goat has eaten our enriched uranium.
Headline: Graphic Sex Ed Class Under Fire in Iowa
Riff: They can get some ointment for that.
Headline: Police Urge Calm After Drug Lord Arrest
Riff: No reason to panic - plenty of other people are selling drugs.
6/22/10
Headline: Fla. town to tourists: Beaches safe
Riff: Just watch out for the slip currents.
Headline: Van der Sloot emotions 'immature'
Riff: How 'bout we load a few shots of maturity into a 12-gauge and help him out?
Headline: Greenpeace hijacks BP speech
Riff: Great. Now Greenpeace has to explain the new office birthday party policy.
Headline: Obama mocked in TV parody
Riff: Um, actually that was his press conference. Easy mistake.
Headline: Study confirm chimps go to war
Riff: Apparently, they also write grammatically incorrect headlines for CNN.
Headline: Island may ban singing, 'hooting'
Riff: An island with no hooters is never gonna attract tourists.
Headline: 'Bachelor,' Vienna Girardi split
Riff: ...and two complete publicity whores are back on the market!
Headline: White House Budget Chief Orszag to Quit
Riff: He's getting a little sick of being called 'Orbs-bag.'
Headline: House Majority Leader: No Budget This Year
Riff: Those stupid budgets just get in the way of spending.
6/21/10
Headline: How to keep a turtle from crossing the road
Riff: Shoot it.
Headline: Larry King telethon for victims tonight
Riff: Nice... A telethon for victims of Larry King.
Headline: BP: $2B spent on cleanup
Riff: Most of that went to advertising.
Headline: Palin says top Obama aide lying
Riff: That doesn't narrow it down much.
Headline: Common chemicals may affect thyroid
Riff: Yeah. You should see what happens when you pour bleach on it.
Headline: Painter responds to pope
Riff: Painter: What up, pope?
Headline: Tourists share beach with tar balls
Riff: This might be the most racist headline ever.
Headline: Minivan smashes into laundromat
Riff: A minivan with a built in washer/dryer is an awesome idea.
Headline: Abnormal Radiation Found Near Korean Border
Riff: Kim Jong-il heard snickering and saying "Let's set off another one!"
6/20/10
Headline: Obama called 'snakelike' in video
Riff: Snakeline? How about 'asslike' or 'rottenToeCheeselike?'
Headline: French soccer star sent home
Riff: Those dudes need to discover soap.
Headline: Opinion: U.S., Russia can end suffering
Riff: How 'come they never call on assholes like Syria to end suffering?
Headline: U.S.-born al Qaeda member in new video
Riff: He was in 'Whoomp there it is.'
Headline: Cycling naked to protest oil
Riff: I was going to invest in alternative energy, but this makes more sense.
Headline: Tropical Storm Celia Near Hurricane Strength
Riff: The official season of Hurricane Hype begins!
Headline: Van Der Sloot's Mom: He Is 'Sick in His Head'
Riff: Mother of the year candidate here.
Headline: Dodd Helps Casino Get $54M in Taxpayer Money
Riff: In other words, he blew a year's pay at the craps table.
Headline: Putin's right-hand man exits Kremlin shadows
Riff: His name is Mr. Ras. Together, they're team Ras-Putin.
6/18/10
Headline: Footprint stirs Bigfoot rumors
Riff: This isn't anything a little epsom salt wouldn't cure.
Headline: Is eating more key to weight control?
Riff: Yeah, as long as you're eating tapeworms.
Headline: 'Please don't feed our bums'
Riff: This headline has a really different meaning in the UK.
Headline: Rihanna's album better than 'Thriller'?
Riff: Um, no.
Headline: Congress Fires at BP Boss Hayward
Riff: Yelling at a CEO makes you feel like you might have testicles, apparently.
Headline: Krispy Kreme in Court Fight Over Secret Recipe
Riff: They don't want us to find out that the frosting is crack.
Headline: Vatican Calls Blues Brothers 'Catholic'
Riff: Pope Benedict to have a consultation with the penguin.
Headline: Obama Heads to Ohio to Cheer Stimulus
Riff: Hey Barack, um, there's still oil gushing in the... whatever.
Headline: Campbell Soup recalls SpaghettiOs
Riff: All together, now: Uh-oh!! Spaghetti-O's!
6/17/10
Headline: Oil disaster by the numbers
Riff: 1 oil company that sucks, 1 president who sucks, 1 gulf full of oil.
Headline: Iran told: Free U.S. hikers or go to trial
Riff: Way to whip 'em into shape, guys.
Headline: Last meal for inmate facing firing squad
Riff: Hopefully not Pop Rocks, vinegar and baking soda. That could get messy.
Headline: 'Female Viagra' results unexciting
Riff: A bunch of balding, middle-aged guys in 1970's garb are collectively disappointed.
Headline: Harrison Ford weds Calista Flockhart
Riff: That'll keep his food budget down.
Headline: Untapped Afghan Minerals At Least $3T
Riff: It's hard to tap minerals when your most valuable asset is a goat.
Headline: WORLD CUP: Uruguay Tops South Africa
Riff: Uruguay: We are ecstatic! Today, some of our population will eat!
Headline: Countries Defend Paying for Teen Sailor Rescue
Riff: Tanzania: We get to be on TV!
Headline: Group says teach sex ed to 5-year-olds
Riff: What group? NAMBLA?
6/16/10
Headline: Obama: BP will pay
Riff: Obama to stroke his cat and laugh madly.
Headline: Oil spill estimate upped again
Riff: BP: We upped our estimate. Up yours!
Headline: Help arrives for 100,000 fleeing violence
Riff: They were leaving a Justin Bieber concert.
Headline: Man held for impersonating U.S. soldier
Riff: Back to the White House, Mr. Obama.
Headline: Man talks about trying self-amputation
Riff: The Census takers wouldn't let go.
Headline: Flight attendant helps land American jet
Riff: Get me Rex Kramer.
Headline: Love salt? You might be a 'supertaster'
Riff: Or you might be the shmuck who oversalted my stew.
Headline: WORLD CUP: Brazil Escapes N.Korea
Riff: Let me guess. N. Korea claimed victory anyway.
Headline: France to raise retirement age from 60 to 62
Riff: You're never too old to surrender!
6/15/10
Headline: Oil spews from broken well
Riff: Another headline from Captain Obvious, CNN Reporter.
Headline: Is oil on your favorite beach?
Riff: Yeah, but it came from someone who hasn't discovered shampoo.
Headline: Starbucks to offer free Wi-Fi
Riff: As much as they charge for coffee, they should throw in a free laptop.
Headline: FDA warns at-home gene test makers
Riff: Don't sue us if you find out your parents are brother and sister.
Headline: What will be Steve Jobs' legacy?
Riff: A lot of paranoid employees.
Headline: Betty White: 'I can't say no'
Riff: Ok, desperate guys please line up single file.
Headline: Viral: Cheer up Keanu day
Riff: It's okay, Keanu. You're more emotive than Al Gore.
Headline: Nancy Pelosi's New $18,736-a-Month Office
Riff: That tub full of the blood of virgin's ain't free.
Headline: Miley Cyrus: ‘I’m not trying to be slutty’
Riff: It just comes naturally.
6/14/10
Headline: Obama to address nation on oil disaster
Riff: Obama to update us on finding butts and trying to kick them.
Headline: Robots try to stop oil
Riff: Obama to stand near the robots and tell them to work faster.
Headline: Dems want probe of Senate primary
Riff: Usually their candidates wait until after they're elected to have a sex scandal.
Headline: Parents, excercise cut kids' TV time
Riff: Another bit of advice from the 'No S**t, Sherlock Society.'
Headline: Broadway's best honored at Tonys
Riff: Broadway's crappiest honored at Oscars.
Headline: Do You Have a Moon Rock?
Riff: Is this a headline or a Preparation H ad?
Headline: Japan's Historic Asteroid Probe to Return to Earth
Riff: Wow, two Preparation H ads as headlines in one day!
Headline: Mexico Nabs Ally of Reputed U.S.-Born Drug Smuggler
Riff: Mexico needed some more help with drug smuggling.
Headline: Ted Kennedy FBI file to reveal threats
Riff: Hostess once threatened to cut off his supply of Ding Dongs.
6/13/10
Headline: BP ordered to clean up oil faster
Riff: When BP was in Egypt Land, Let my BP go...
Headline: Oil container washes ashore in Fla.
Riff: Now they have something to put oil in!
Headline: Son 'stupid' but not terrorist, mom says
Riff: I didn't realize the two were mutually exclusive.
Headline: Cops: Cruise employee robbed homes
Riff: He was collecting offerings for Tom Cruise.
Headline: Obama places beer bet
Riff: I'll bet you a case of beer the President is an ass-hat.
Headline: U.N.'s Haiti 'Flotel' Overpriced, Expert Says
Riff: Would a floating motel be a MoFloTel?
Headline: Rescued Teen Wants Second Shot at Solo Sail
Riff: Anything to get out of homework.
Headline: Racy Lyrics Lead Wendy's to Pull Kids Meal CD
Riff: Maybe 'Burgers and Fries between your Thighs' wasn't such a good idea.
Headline: Gorbachev: Russia needs freedom to succeed
Riff: Great. Now Gorbachev's selling Amway.
6/11/10
Headline: Briefing on bird rescues
Riff: Have you ever tried to hang onto an oil-soaked seagull? Those critters are slippery!
Headline: Senators head to Gulf as tempers flare
Riff: The gulf is flammable enough right now, thanks.
Headline: Cleanup crews face extreme heat
Riff: They have plenty of suntan oil.
Headline: Bill Clinton mocks Republican
Riff: Bill, shut up before we whip out the blue dress again.
Headline: 'Housewife' loses 29 lbs. in 3 wks
Riff: Her implants fell out.
Headline: Health lessons of 'The Wizard of Oz'
Riff: Don't bathe in water and remember where you left your brain.
Headline: Ahmadinejad Calls U.N. Sanctions 'Worthless Paper'
Riff: I think he was confusing the sanctions with the Euro.
Headline: Calls for Feds to Probe S.C. Senate Candidate
Riff: Apparently, he tried to do some probing of his own with the ladies.
Headline: Judge Warns Blago About Behavior
Riff: Judge: Put away the rubber chicken and take those damn panties off of your head, moron.
6/10/10
Headline: Lawyer: Strike Van der Sloot confession
Riff: Rest of the World: Strike the lawyer
Headline: Groups Consider Renaming 'Helen Thomas' Awards
Riff: How about 'Old Sack of Crap' Awards?
Headline: Bad news for wrestling CEO
Riff: Her opponent Richard Blumenthal has learned how to apply the Scorpion Deathlock.
Headline: Pain relievers linked to heart risks
Riff: More from the 'Council on Scaring the Crap out of You.'
Headline: S. Korean Rocket Explodes in Mid-Air
Riff: N. Korea heard snickering near launch pad.
Headline: Goldman Sachs Under New Probe
Riff: Hopefully it's an anal probe.
Headline: Wall Street to Washington: Watch Your Mouth
Riff: Washington to Wall Street: #&*$!
Headline: You Need a Husband, Program Tells Jobless Women
Riff: I brought some chocolates and a Barry White CD, program also tells jobless women.
Headline: Susan Boyle expected to sing for the pope
Riff: They're calling the event 'Pope a Boyle.'
6/9/10
Headline: Can Kevin Costner fix it?
Riff: Kevin Costner CAN fix it and Shoeless Joe Jackson will show up when he does.
Headline: Your ideas | Track it | Day 51
Riff: My ideas? How about a 20-story office tower made out of Tangy Taffy?
Headline: Sleepy teens may have depression
Riff: Dr. Endive recommends telling them to get the f**k out of bed.
Headline: Do pregnancy and bipolar disorder mix?
Riff: Just like pickled herring and two quarts of ice cream.
Headline: Actor upset over death rumors
Riff: We will certainly miss him. RIP.
Headline: Stedman: Oprah not appreciated
Riff: Rest of World: Who the hell are you?
Headline: How not to be a Twitter dork
Riff: Step 1: Don't write articles about how to be cool on Twitter.
Headline: Man Hides Next to Landing Gear, Survives Flight
Riff: He probably had more legroom than the rest of the passengers.
Headline: Plane Lands on Florida Middle School Football Field
Riff: I'm sure the coach yelled at it.
6/8/10
Headline: Recovery 'won't feel terrific'
Riff: That must be why Obama keeps putting it off.
Headline: Opening statements for Blagojevich case
Riff: I, Rod Blagojevich, am here to GET FUNKY!
Headline: Hall & Oates and Arizona
Riff: Nope. I can't go for that. No can do.
Headline: Buffett's sister gives away $100 mil
Riff: I guess financial genius isn't genetic.
Headline: What to get the superyacht owner
Riff: Why, Yahtzee, of course.
Headline: U.S. Officials Prepare for Response to Nuclear Terror
Riff: It's hard to respond when you've been vaporized.
Headline: China: North Korean Border Guard Kills 3 Chinese
Riff: China: We're just going to let that one slide.
Headline: Bernanke: No Double-Dip Recession
Riff: In order to have a double-dip, you have to come out of the first recession.
Headline: Soon ‘the new guy’ at work may be a robot
Riff: We already have plenty of Obama followers at the office.
6/7/10
Headline: Obama to return to high school
Riff: Hopefully they'll go over math with him again. And science. And Social Studies.
Headline: Does your doctor like 'e-patients'?
Riff: Nope. He likes patients with cash.
Headline: Elton John sings at Limbaugh's wedding
Riff: Satan: Who f**ked with the thermostat?!
Headline: Haiti's new problem: rubble
Riff: Haiti wants Barney and Betty to get the hell out.
Headline: Your purse could be poisonous
Riff: Another tidbit from the 'Department of YOUR GONNA DIE!'
Headline: U.K.'s PM: Deficit 'Even Worse Than We Thought'
Riff: U.K.'s PM: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the $40 million royal wedding.
Headline: Graveyard of the Gladiators Found in England
Riff: I was wonder what happened to Nitro, Malibu, and the rest of the Gladiators.
Headline: Chrysler recalls almost 600,000 vehicles
Riff: That's pretty much all of 'em these days, isn't it?
Headline: ‘Twilight’ eclipses MTV Movie Awards
Riff: You mean they actually still give awards out in between the lesbian smooching?
6/6/10
Headline: BP scolded for painting 'rosy picture'
Riff: BP: What's the problem with our 'Free oil for birds' program?
Headline: Gulf residents, officials seethe
Riff: Gulf infants, babies teethe
Headline: Bloggers oppose Ground Zero mosque
Riff: Can I build an anti-aircraft gun next to where Buddy Holly's plane crashed?
Headline: Attack drenches Biden
Riff: Apparently the President of Liberia has a drooling problem.
Headline: Verdict on Obama's first 500 days?
Riff: Probably about the same as it was in your article about his first 499 days.
Headline: Bangladesh Lifts Facebook Ban, Officials Say
Riff: They might change their minds when the see the 'Can this Q-tip get more fans than Bangladesh' page.
Headline: Prince William set for $40 million wedding?
Riff: Good grief, what was Britain's unemployment again?
Headline: Nadal looks to tie Borg’s French record
Riff: Most surrenders in one day?
Headline: What is 'spiritual but not religious'?
Riff: An oxymoron.
6/4/10
Headline: Obama furious about oil spill
Riff: White House janitor furious about Obama spill.
Headline: Airline unveils ash cloud detector
Riff: It's Marlon Wayans.
Headline: Banker fired for being too sexy?
Riff: Plenty of banking-related jobs available for her at the sperm bank.
Headline: The dirtiest place on the planet
Riff: That would be Biden's swamp butt.
Headline: Issa to WH: Disclose Officials' Campaign Travel
Riff: WH to Issa: We'll get back to you when we're back in town.
Headline: Secret Service in Altercation During Obama Motorcade
Riff: Are there yet? No! Are we there yet? No! Are we there yet? ARGH!
Headline: Is the Government Trying to Take Over the News?
Riff: Find out more on The Obama News Hour!
Headline: Some Blocked Websites Now Accessible in China
Riff: At last, Chinese people can see photos of skateboarders crotching themselves.
Headline: Biologists Learn Why Mice Go Gaga for Urine
Riff: This sounds like a made-up excuse to pee on mice.
6/3/10
Headline: Birds found drenched in oil
Riff: Birds only need some seasoning salt and two hours at 350 degrees.
Headline: BP cuts pipe in bid to stop oil leak
Riff: Mazal Tov, BP! That was a sloppy job the mohel did, though.
Headline: Maytag recalls 1.7 million dishwashers
Riff: They accidentally equipped them with portals to Narnia.
Headline: 'Daily Show' nabs Larry Craig
Riff: The Daily Show just happened to be in the restroom at the time.
Headline: Paul McCartney Serenades Obamas
Riff: Wig! Wig Alert! Paul McCartney Wig Alert!
Headline: White House Defends Back-Room Job Deal
Riff: White House to hold back-room press conference with back-room reporters.
Headline: TV food ads offer bad advice
Riff: Like KFC's 'Shove a Chicken up your Ass' campaign.
Headline: How toxic chemicals get to the womb
Riff: That can usually be traced back to Ron Jeremy.
Headline: U.S.-Mexico border isn't so dangerous
Riff: The drug lords around it are a bit touchy, though.
6/2/10
Headline: Race to save Gulf Coast wildlife
Riff: If they don't do something quick, we could get pelted by flammable Ibis poop.
Headline: New aid ship heads to Gaza
Riff: Aid is an acronym for Armed Invading Dips**ts.
Headline: Buffett at finance crisis hearing
Riff: I hear there's a bottomless salad bowl.
Headline: U.S. top user of targeted killings: U.N.
Riff: They tend to favor countries that do more untargeted killing.
Headline: Steve Jobs on the post-PC era
Riff: We'll let you know when that era starts, Steve.
Headline: 'Phantom' Motrin recall
Riff: What will phantoms use for their headaches?!
Headline: Russian Spacecraft Lands After 6-Month Trip
Riff: Dammit, Gilliganski, it was supposed to be a 3-hour tour!
Headline: Jobs Says iPad Idea Came Before iPhone
Riff: That would explain why the iPhone looks disappointed and the iPad is smoking a cigarette.
Headline: Illegal Immigrants Crime Spree in Wash.
Riff: The story of Obama's presidency.
6/1/10
Headline: Obama on spill commission
Riff: Obama: We must use sippy cups.
Headline: Your city among 'junkiest?'
Riff: I don't live in D.C.
Headline: Duchess: I was drinking at time of sting
Riff: Duchess: Heck, I'm drinking now. WooHoo!
Headline: Intriguing: Balloons to North Korea
Riff: Were they 99 luft balloons?
Headline: Why Guillermo del Toro left 'The Hobbit'
Riff: He only took the job because he thought he would be the tallest person on the set.
Headline: Pacific volcano issues 'big burp'
Riff: Pacific volcano issues 'excuse me.'
Headline: Court: Suspects Must Say They Want to Remain Silent
Riff: But if they did that, they wouldn't be silent.
Headline: Scientists map brain's 'default activity'
Riff: That would be Facebook.
Headline: Trigger happy? New spray delays amorous men
Riff: They're going to call it 'Liz Taylor Spray.'
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