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Gunman at Spike TV Can’t Get Noticed
 A man known for protesting Spike TV’s reluctance to continue airing episodes of Baywatch and Star Trek the Next Generation stormed the network’s Nashville headquarters carrying a handgun on Wednesday, holding three people hostage. He was completely ignored.
The man had what appeared to be a bomb strapped to his chest, and as of late Wednesday night, police had not yet arrived on the scene.
“A guy with a gun at Spike? Yeah. Whatever,” said Nashville Police Chief Rick Matthews, “We’ll have someone do a drive-by tomorrow or something. He probably just wants them to put on more Star Trek or Baywatch. I don’t think anyone will give a crap.”
The suspect has a history of protesting the network, which has a history of not giving a crap.
“We really don’t give a crap,” said Spike TV President Kevin Kay, “I mean, who cares? We’ll just put on some more Baywatch and Star Trek. It definitely isn’t worth leaving my office for this crap.”
The hostages didn’t seem to be in any immediate danger, either.
“He wants to shoot us, but we really don’t give a crap,” shouted one of the hostages late Wednesday night, “This is the most break time we’ve had in weeks. Hell, I just gave him the entire Star Trek the Next Generation Season 5 DVD set.”
The gunman continued to hold his hostages, dividing his time between reading the backs of the DVD cases and lamenting his lack of CNN coverage.
“I still have hostages. Is Fox News out there yet?” shouted the gunman from an open window to nobody in particular, “Spike already said they’ll air more Star Trek and Baywatch, but I really don’t want to release my hostages until CNN gets here. Hopefully I’ll get more than just the front page of The Endive.”
A website registered to the suspect criticized Spike and announced plans to protest in March 2009: “These guys have been showing episodes of CSI: Miami. Does CSI: Miami have any Ferengi in it? No. Does CSI: Miami have lifeguards with sweaty, bouncing funbags? No. It’s got David Caruso and his ridiculous sunglasses. It’s all about David Caruso. And Sunglasses. We can’t let the lack of Ferengi go on anymore. And Gates McFadden is hot.”
The gunman appeared to be getting bored and possibly sleeping late Wednesday night as his hostages played each other in a game of Risk and try to provide their capture with a little encouragement.
“CNN could be here any minute,” said an unknown hostage, “Hang in there, dude. Remember, this ain’t C-Span. Here, have some Mountain Dew. It always makes me feel better.”
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