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Biden to Iraq: We’re Ok, Right?

Vice President Biden, declaring that Al Qaeda in Iraq and its allies have “utterly failed” to increase widespread violence, said Iraqis should be “pretty okay if we left, right?”

Despite a complete lack of defined leadership in Iraq following difficult, contested elections, Biden expressed the willingness of American armed forces to head quietly to the airport, leaving a few toiletries and neatly tied up garbage bags by their tents.

“Al Qaeda was totally wrong,” said Biden, “This place is really ready to run itself. So, if it’s okay, we’ll just leave now. There. I said it. We’re gonna go. Are there any questions? No? Okay, well, if you would all just step aside, we need to catch a plane. Thanks for all the memories and stuff.”

The Vice President also used his speech to rally support for American efforts in Afghanistan.

“It’s not like we’re going to be that far away,” said Biden, “We’ve got plenty of guys in Afghanistan, and that’s, like, right around the corner. I’ll give you Petraeus’s cell phone if you need him, but chances are you’ll get his voice mail.”

Biden added that Petraeus’s voicemail is usually full, but if you text him, he might get it when he’s somewhere with a clear signal. He also indicated that President Obama would be happy to work with Iraq’s leadership once they’ve got that part figured out.

“Look, we don’t know who the hell is in charge,” said Biden, “But we’ll work with whoever comes out on top. I met all the major vote-getters – Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, former Premier Ayad Allawi, Wilson Pickett, Wippy Stevens and Bowser from Sha-na-na. They’re all good guys. I don’t care which one is in charge – we’ll back whoever drives a hybrid.”

It was at this point during the speech that the assembled Iraqis started to look a little annoyed, many of whom had no idea they had voted for Bowser from Sha-na-na. Biden responded back slowly backing up towards the door, then making a mad dash for his motorcade.

The leading candidates for Prime Minister immediately began arguing as to what to do next, with al-Maliki wanting to get Iraq back to gassing Kurds, Allawi wanting to pull the weapons of mass destruction out of the secret underground bunkers, and Bowser wanting to know how the hell he ended up in Iraq.

“My real specialty is providing acapella bass accompaniment,” said Bowser, “But if called upon, I will happily crush all those who oppose me until Iraq is the supreme ruler of this region. I could also really use a mint julep.”

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