|
Back to archives Home
Greene: I Like Crayons
 Alvin Greene, the surprise Democratic Senate candidate from South Carolina, declared his love for crayons in a rare press conference today as he spoke to reporters gathered in his basement.
“I like to color,” said Greene, “With Crayons.”
Greene became a little agitated when pressed for more details about his passion for coloring.
“Why does everybody have to be anti-Greene?” said Greene, “We need to be pro-South Carolina, not anti-Greene. We need to, um, we need to be pro-stuff in South Carolina.”
When asked to specify what stuff, Greene gave a short response.
“Stuff,” said Greene, “Yeah. Stuff. Like crayons. I like the red crayons.”
Greene was pressed by reporters interested in his stance on such things as immigration, financial reform, health care, and taxes. His reply began with exactly 48 seconds of silence.
“I like the burnt umber crayon,” said Greene, “It’s a good crayon. Burnt umber.”
Sympathetic reporters attempted to pepper Greene with easier questions, hoping to bring about some more natural responses. The first such question was asking whether or not he’ll be watching President Obama’s historic appearance on The View, a famous daytime talk show.
“The Pew?” said Greene, who was quickly corrected by 16 of the reporters present, “The View? I have not, um, I am not familiar with that. I will look into it.”
Green then indicated that he will give one final statement about his military service, even as reporters attempted to ask more questions. He then stared at the ceiling for another two minutes, before defending his often-attacked military service record.
“I was in the military,” said Greene, “They were going to give me the medal of, um, the Honor Medal… of Honor. The Honor Medal of Honor. They were going to give it to me, but they didn’t have any straps for the medal to hang it from my neck. I had to wait for the straps, but I got discharged before they came, so I didn’t get the medal. They gave me a Frisbee instead. I like Frisbees. I like Frisbees and crayons.”
Reporters clamored for one more question, but Greene ended the press conference with a show of his own talent.
“Here is a picture I drew of a Frisbee,” said Greene, “I drew it with crayons.”
Greene’s opponent, Republican Jim DeMint was quick to respond to Greene’s rhetoric.
“Alvin Greene is a typical tax and spend Democrat,” said DeMint, “His irresponsible support of Frisbees and crayons will lead South Carolina down the path to socialism. A vote for me is a vote for fiscal responsibility.”
Added DeMint, “I only said all of that crap because I’ll get in trouble if I call Greene a complete, unadulterated, nose-picking, paste-eating, short-bus-riding, Durr-Duh, imbecile. Therefore, I’ll stick with the same script we always use, lest I pull a Macaca and allow this yutz to be elected. For the love of G-d, make sure you vote.”
Back to archives Home
|
