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Busy Obama puts Intern on the Oil Leak

President Obama was forced to come to terms with his overly-demanding schedule today and delegate several important tasks to an intern. While the President was busy firing his Afghanistan commander, he dispatched an intern, Leon Shipley, to “handle the oil crisis.”

“I’m just not done being furious at General McChrystal right now,” said Obama, “He said that our first meeting was just a photo op. Can you imagine that? Me setting up a photo op? Whatever. You’re fired, Stanley. Terminated. S**t-canned. Go see if Wal-mart needs a greeter.”

Meanwhile, 18-year-old college student Leon Shipley was surprised to suddenly find himself in charge of the Gulf oil spill crisis, arriving at the Gulf in time for the unexpected removal of BP’s cap.

“Dude,” said Shipley, “I got there and it was like, an oil version of Old Faithful, dude. The BP dude was all like, ‘We had to take the cap off,’ and I was all like, ‘Well, dude, put it back on.’”

Shipley went on to explain his attempts at problem solving.

“Dude,” said Shipley, “I was all like, ‘Why can’t you put the cap back on, dude,’ and the BP dude was all like, ‘Because we need to get a vent fixed,’ and I was all like, ‘Dude, then fix the vent,’ and then he was all like, ‘Who the hell are you anyway,’ and that’s when I said I’m Leon Shipley, and today, you’re my bitch.”

One BP official did indicate that he had an exchange with Shipley, and found him to be less than helpful.

“I’m really not sure why I even stopped to talk to him,” said BP engineer Bart Harkin, “He really looked lost and/or high. When he flashed his credentials at me, I moved so it would at least block his view of the oil that was gushing 50 feet into the air. I finally walked off after he called me his bitch and had one of the other engineers distract him away with a Subway sandwich.”

Shipley was yet to provide a progress report to the President, as he was too occupied with a Subway sandwich.

“Dude,” said Shipley, “They have Subway here. Awesome.”

The President remained focused on the McChrystal situation, announcing the appointment of a replacement, General David Petraeus.

“In the interest of national security, I think it’s important that I fire anyone who pisses me off, got that, David?” Said the President, “Now that we’ve handled that issue, I can focus on other pressing matters, like Lady Gaga’s over-usage of the middle finger. First, I’m going to blow my Vuvuzela.”

Obama excused himself to the Oval Office, where he spent the next four hours blowing a Vuvuzela.

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