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South Korea Seeks Assistance from Suge Knight
 South Korean officials met with former Death Row Records owner Marion “Suge” Knight today in a desperate bid to send a stern message to North Korea.
Over the last few weeks, the south has been increasingly targeted by the north in several obvious acts of war, including the torpedoing of a South Korean naval vessel. South Korea’s cries for help have gone largely unheard from its traditional allies.
“The U.N. hasn’t been much help,” said South Korean President Lee Myung-bak, “We asked for assistance or sanctions and they said that they’d have ‘that guy from Syria look into it.’”
According to Myung-bak, meetings with Hilary Clinton were equally futile.
“Mrs. Clinton indicated that the current United States policy in these situations is to wait things out and see if any nukes go off,” said Myung-bak, “She said they might pay some more attention if there was an imminent threat to the environment or if we were erecting a statue of the President. I just kind of shook my head, then banged it on my desk repeatedly.”
Myung-bak also looked for help from nearby Japan, but they just pretended he wasn’t in the room until he blocked the doorway. Then, they indicated that they thought he was “a courier or something.”
“At this point, we needed something a little more effective,” said Myung-bak, “That’s why we’ve enlisted the services of Mr. Suge Knight, who has agreed to see to the proper placement of a cap in the ass of Kim Jong-il.”
Indeed, Knight has guaranteed that no North Korean ass will go uncapped.
“You saw what we did to those West Coast rappin’ mutha f***a’s,” said Knight, “Biggie Smalls coulda eaten ten of these punks for breakfast. We got the caps, they can bring the asses.”
Knight has been looking for an opportunity to get out of the United States to avoid consistent attempts to pin crimes on him by the LAPD.
“I never capped a mutha f***a that didn’t have a cap comin’ to him,” said Knight, “Well, except the time I capped the milk man. He looked a little like that bitch Puffy Combs, except he was white and carrying milk. S**t.”
Knight didn’t seem intimidated by a heavily-armed North Korea that also happens to be on the verge of creating nuclear weapons.
“They want to go nuclear? S**t. I’ll show those mutha f**kas nuclear,” said Knight, “I’m telling you, Kim Jong-il, your ass will be dancing on my next album and the South Korean rappers will kick the bitch-asses of the North with all kinds of rhymes. S**t.”
For the first time in months, Myung-bak was optimistic.
“A new day is dawning for South Korea. A day of piece,” said Myung-bak, “S**t.”
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