|
Back to archives Home
BP Places Giant Area Rug Over Gulf
 Desperate for some level of success in its battle against the disastrous oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, BP discreetly placed a giant area rug over top of the gulf today.
“The rug looks really nice,” said Kent Wells, BP’s senior vice president for exploration and production, “It matches the dusty browns of Texas without clashing with Florida’s unique greenery. It’s a nice area rug. I’m a little jealous. Hey, look! I think a cardinal just flew by!”
As onlookers were distracted by the cardinal, Wells took the opportunity to adjust the rug’s position to cover up a little oil seepage.
BP also attempted to address growing concern for area sea-life by noting that most animals were doing “pretty okay.”
“I know many of you are concerned about the harm all this oil causes to wildlife,” said Wells, “But as you can see, it’s really difficult to hold onto a bird while it’s covered in oil. We’ve got a pelican right here, and I can’t even pick the little sucker up. He just squirts right out of my hands. This should be pretty darn helpful when these little guys need to evade predators and six pack rings and such.”
Wells continued to demonstrate the slipperiness of the pelican until it shot out of his hands and slid clear across the platform.
“Did you see that?” said Wells, “Just like one of those water snakes. Damn, that’s entertaining.”
President Obama assured the public that BP was working hard to clean up the spill at its own expense.
“BP is working hard to clean up the spill at its own expense,” said Obama, “And they bought me a matching area rug to go with the one on the gulf. It’s pretty sweet. They also bought Slurpees for Sasha and Malia.”
BP implemented its “rug strategy” after several other fixes failed to stem the flow of oil from the destroyed platform. According to Wells, BP is confident that the giant rug will be effective, but is also prepared to follow it up with a slightly larger rug.
“Oil spills are serious,” said Wells, “It’s not like you can just sweep these things under the rug and walk away. That is, unless you have a really big rug. All I can say is it’s a good thing we had this rug lying around. To think I almost let this thing go in a yard sale. Whew.”
Back to archives Home
|
