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Billy Ray Cyrus Begins Beatdown of all Adolescent Males
 In the wake of a viral video showing Miley Cyrus engaged in dirty dancing with a 44-year-old man, the young starlet’s father, Billy Ray Cyrus, has begun going door-to-door and beating the living piss out of every adolescent male he thinks has seen the video.
“I told you once, and I’ll tell you again,” said Cyrus to the general public, “If I catch you lookin’ at my daughter like that, I will whip your ass with a leather strap. You won’t be able to sit for three weeks. Are we clear on that?”
Added Cyrus, “I said, are we clear on that?! Answer me now, dammit!”
Although Cyrus had thought the world nodded a vehement “yes,” the video still leaked out anyway, much to the delight of young teens who assumed Miley’s father wouldn’t catch them watching it.
“She is soooo hot,” said Dereck Newberger, 13, “I’d give my left nut just to touch her hiney.”
Newberger was quickly ambushed by an out-of-control Cyrus.
“You’d give your left nut to touch my daughter, little boy?!” Screamed a bullwhip-armed Cyrus, “You ain’t gonna do anything with your nuts after I squash ‘em flat!”
The “Billy Ray Beatdowns” have spread at such a rapid pace, Cyrus is drawing comparisons to other fast-moving mythological characters.
“I think that there Billy Ray Cyrus must be a little like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy,” said Raleigh Burns, whose 14-year-old son is currently suffering from a Cyrus-inflicted detached retina, “He managed to hit no less than 85 houses in Charlotte, North Carolina, in three hours. Ain’t none of our kids can walk right now, and it’ll be at least six weeks before any of ‘em tries a normal activity again – like sitting on a bicycle or peeing.”
Miley assured the public that she remains completely chaste.
“It was totally taken out of context,” said a contrite Miley Cyrus, “Dad knows I’m chaste and would never tempt adolescent boys into, oops, boob slipped out. Let me stuff that back in. As I was saying, buy my album!”
Billy Ray Cyrus agreed that his daughter was chaste and that people should buy her album.
“Ya’ll can buy Miley’s album,” said Cyrus, “But if I so much as catch you starin’ twice at the cover, you will be wearing your scrotum as a hat and I’ll be playin’ marbles with your testicles.”
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