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Stupak Switches vote after promise of new Forehead
 The historic health care reform vote passed Sunday thanks mainly to a pivotal last-second deal with Representative Bart Stupak, a pro-life Michigan Democrat. Stupak opted to change his vote when President Obama and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi offered new language on abortion and a new forehead for Stupak.
“I changed my vote because I want all Americans to have health care, and I want a forehead,” said Stupak, “Now, I’m satisfied that both things will happen. Boy, have I always, always wanted a forehead.”
Pelosi hailed the deal as “momentous,” and even pulled out a special gavel to mark the vote; a gavel signed by former Speaker of the House John McCormack and by the entire 1984 Montreal Expos.
“I could think of no better way to mark this moment than to gavel it with the only gavel in the world that has both John McCormack and Otis Nixon’s signature on it,” said Pelosi, “And I can’t even imagine what Bart’s going to look like with a forehead. It’ll take some getting used to.”
Not everyone shared Pelosi’s excitement after the passage of such a divisive bill. Representative Randy Neaugebauer, a Republican with an ample forehead from Texas, apologized for calling Stupak a “Baby killer.”
“I am truly sorry,” said Neaugebauer,” I shouldn’t have done it. I’ve always had trouble taking Bart seriously because in Texas we do everything big, including our foreheads. Bart is just a walking joke who kills babies. Well, maybe he doesn’t. What I really meant to say was ‘Gravy filler.’ It means that little-forehead-Bart should spend his time running around restaurants filling up gravy boats. Yeah. Let’s go with that.”
Neaugebauer’s outburst has garnered less media attention that Joe Wilson’s “You lie!” outburst, mainly because Neugebauer’s name is just plain too long for reporters to spell out. As a matter of fact, we won’t be mentioning him anymore in this article, either.
According to a just-released poll, Stupak’s approval rating now stands at 0.0003%, with his only proponents being Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi. The rest of the world now hates him because he kills babies and wants to restrict a woman’s right to choose.
He also drew the ire of another lobby group. Drew Watts, the leader of the Small Forehead PAC represents a growing group of people with diminutive foreheads who are completely irate.
“We’re mad as hell!” said Watts, “He didn’t just sell America down the river, he sold Americans with small foreheads down the river, too! We’d scrawl messages of hate for Bart across our foreheads if we had the space to do it! But we don’t, so we can’t really scrawl anything there or really anywhere else on our bodies. Most of us wear conservative clothing and you just wouldn’t be able to see it. Well, except Jane with her overweight bare midriff, but nobody really wants to look at that, so there’s no point writing on it. Either way, we’re pissed.”
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