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Issue with Panties Forces Bayh into Retirement
 Senator Evan Bayh, D-Indiana, announced today that he will not seek re-election due to an ongoing issue with his panties.
“First of all, I want to thank my wife and kids,” said Bayh in his announcement today, “They’ve been so supportive, even in this tough time. As much as I love being a public servant, I cannot continue to do so given the current condition of my panties. They’re in a bind.”
While Bayh’s decision was a sudden one, he had given many indicators over the last few months that his panties were indeed twisted mercilessly and would require significant work to straighten out.
“You could tell from the way Evan walked on the Senate floor,” said Senate majority leader Harry Reid, “He damn near did the splits. I think it’s safe to say his panties have been in a bind for at least eight months. I know how tough that can be. We’ll miss him on the senate floor, but he really needs to take some time and focus on his crotch.”
The President also lamented Bayh’s decision to resign.
“I could tell that Evan’s panties had gotten all wee-weed up,” said President Obama, “I offered to have a dialogue with him and his panties. This country needs Evan Bayh, but he’s no good to us with his panties in a bunch. Believe me, Evan, if I could reach down in there and untwist them myself, I would, brother. Unfortunately, I’ve got my hands full with Michelle and Hillary.”
Speculation has been rampant across the senate floor about exactly how Bayh’s panties got in a bind in the first place.
“He first started walking funny when we couldn’t agree on a stimulus package,” said fellow retiree Chris Dodd, D-Connecticut, “As soon as I saw that walk I just knew it would get worse. I got my panties in a bind like that once and it took me three weeks with a pair of salad tongs to make things right again. The little Dodd-meister still points oddly to the left after that incident.”
Republicans are excited about the opportunity to capture Bayh’s Senate seat in the next election, but also a little sad to see the moderate-leaning Democrat go.
“He really did cross party lines a lot to get the job done,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, “Then again, every time I brought up tax reform, he’d start twisting his legs around too much. I warned him. I said, ‘Evan, careful, you’ll pretzel your panties.’ Poor guy should have listened.”
While he has made no firm plans for life after the Senate, Bayh says the immediate future involves a little “fresh air.”
“Before I try to untangle anything, I’m just going to let the whole thing air out for a couple of weeks,” said Bayh in his press conference today, “Susan and the kids have been warned to avoid the balcony in the back of our house. Chris [Dodd] lent me his salad tongs, but I’m taking a ‘wait and see’ approach.”
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