|
Back to archIves Home
Obese Children Launch Campaign Against First Lady
 It’s 11:15 at night and a ten-year-old girl can’t convince her mother to buy her potato chips and a Slurpee. Why? Because of Michelle Obama.
America’s obese youth, fed-up by the First Lady’s one-woman campaign against youthful fatness, have launched a campaign of their own.
“We will not rest until we have rid this country of Michelle Obama,” said childhood portliness advocate Randy Revis, “Well, actually we might rest for a while after dinner, until it’s time to grab another bag of Doritos. However, between that bag of Doritos and my 10 o’clock bedtime, we will not rest. We may not stand up much, but our sitting won’t be restful!”
Revis, a 192-pound 13-year-old, was moved to lash out after his mother saw a speech by the first lady and decided to replace all the beverages in the house with diet soda.
“Did Michelle Obama think about the implications of her decision?” asked a red-faced Revis, stopping for a second to catch his breath, “People who make regular Coke will lose their jobs! I should know. They wrote me to thank me for putting their kids through college.”
Revis’s crusade has drawn a large following of rotund teens and pre-teens, looking to throw their weight around and learn a few things about lobbying in the process.
“Studies show that kids who lose weight tend to poop less,” said Amanda Comstock, a 162-pound 14-year-old, “Do you know what that means? It’s bad for the environment because poop is fertilizer. It also means I’m flushing less, leaving the water to stagnate in the pipes of our house.”
The First Lady was looking forward to supporting a cause that would help both her image and her husband’s efforts to pass healthcare reform.
“I’d like to see fewer kids in the hospital with solidified arteries,” said Obama, “I’d also like to see myself on TV more, looking thinner. I mean it. These little fat-asses make me look like a black Kate Moss.”
Revis and his troops have a FaceBook group with more than 50,000 followers and are planning a march on Washington.
“I’m excited about our march on Washington,” said Revis, “We can easily fill the capital square like the Million Man March, just with a lot fewer people. I just hope we don’t have to actually march in order to make this work.”
Not all of Revis’s plans have worked out.
“We had a group of about 300 people on a field trip to the White House,” said Revis, “The plan was to pelt the First Lady with 800 Snickers bars when she came out the front door. It would have worked if we hadn’t eaten them. We tried to pelt her with the wrappers, but they really don’t fly very far without the chocolate inside.”
A frustrated Michelle Obama received some encouragement Monday from her husband.
“Michelle,” said President Obama, “I know you’re dealing with a lot of little fat bastards, but stay strong. As soon as we pass this Health Care Reform Bill, I’ll come over there and distract the kids with some Twinkies while you make a break for it. Then, we can have the National Guard shoot them with bean bag guns. It’ll be fun to watch.”
Back to archIves Home
|
