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Underpants Bomber Special Guest at Michelle Obama Surprise Birthday Party
 First Lady Michelle Obama got more than she bargained for when Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known as the Underpants Bomber, showed up as the guest of honor at her surprise birthday party.
“This is all, well, it’s a misunderstanding,” said President Barack Obama, who spent days arranging the party, “I really thought I had hired a male stripper. Someone misunderstood my instructions. I’m looking at you, Rahm.”
President Obama relied heavily on the assistance of White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel to arrange the party. Emanuel booked the restaurant and made travel arrangements for many of the honored guests, including Michelle’s mother Marian Robinson, Attorney General Eric Holder and White House Adviser Valerie Jarrett.
“Apparently, the President was trying to replicate Michelle’s 26th birthday on her 46th,” said Emanuel, “Her 26th birthday was memorable because a stripper named the ‘Underpants Bomber’ leapt out of a giant cake wearing nothing but tighty-whities and a bow tie. I didn’t know this little factoid until after I made the arrangements to get Mr. Abdulmatallab out of Federal Prison. My fault. Sorry ‘bout that.”
Almost as shocked as the First Lady was Abdulmutallab himself, who had never actually jumped out of a cake before, much less done so wearing next to nothing.
“No amount of Jihad training could have prepared me for this,” said a still-shell-shocked Abdulmutallab, “When I finally managed to break free of the cake, at least 30 middle-aged women were staring at my mostly naked body. I think they noticed right away that my package just isn’t that, um, well-stuffed. I’m not sure what they were expecting. The only way anyone could sneak onto a plane with underpants full of explosives is if he had a small pecker that left plenty of room down there.”
The First Lady gave her husband a look that witnesses described as “an icy stare of death” as she watched Abdulmutallab emerge from the cake, stand there awkwardly for a few moments, before waving once, smiling politely and excusing himself to the safety of awaiting Federal Marshals.
The attending Federal Marshals were surprised at Abdulmutallab’s sudden complicity.
“He just walked right up to us and said, ‘Please return me to my holding cell and provide me with a jump suit. No longer will I ever hurt Americans. Tell Usama that it’s just not worth it. And hurry because I want to cry now,’” said Federal Marshal Sean Briggs, “We even felt a little bad. I gave him my coat.”
President Obama was unavailable for comment. He was last seen standing outside the locked door to the Lincoln bedroom promising that he would make things all better next year.
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