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Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Charlie Sheen
 Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula on Monday claimed responsibility for Charlie Sheen and his enthusiastic wife-beating, saying it was retaliation for multiple visits to the middle east from Angelina Jolie.
Federal authorities met Monday to reassess the U.S. terrorist spotting abilities after realizing that Sheen had long since infiltrated Hollywood and used an apparently successful acting career as a front for carrying out multiple terrorist attacks, including domestic assaults and the release of the movie “Men at Work.”
In a statement posted on the Internet, Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula said the 44-year-old actor/terrorist operative coordinated with members of Al Qaeda’s production and screenwriting teams in Saudia Arabia and Yemen to come up with a script about him and his brother as heroic garbage men.
Sheen’s terrorist cell also reactivated to produce 1994’s “Major League II” and 1996’s “The Arrival.”
The Obama administration has ordered investigations into how something as toxic as Major League II could have been released domestically, reviewing the procedures for terrorist screening in Hollywood.
“Why didn’t someone put a stop to this at the storyboard phase?” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, “How many millions of people were hurt by ‘The Arrival?’ I’ll tell you how many. A thousand million people.”
An intelligence official, speaking under strict anonymity, confirmed that massive security lapses led to the production of “Men at Work” and that Sheen “clearly used the movie to hit on chicks who he could later smack around.”
President Obama, currently giving his nipples a touch-up tan at his rental house in Hawaii, said he would address the situation as soon as he was finished sipping his virgin mai tai in a coconut shell. Further, he indicated he might put it off until after he completes his meeting with the surviving cast members of “Hawaii 5.0.”
“This thing with Charlie,” said Obama, “It’s bad. What he did. Bad. What’d he do? Oh yeah. He’s a terrorist wife beater who makes bad movies. That’s bad. Clearly bad. Someone should do something about all this badness. There’s a lot of badness. The best thing we can do is sternly warn bad, bad people. Like Al Qaeda. Al Qaeda, you are sternly warned, you bad people. I plan to act on this right away, by passing socialist health care. That’ll fix it.”
Jerry Schwartzman, a chief executive at Paramount Pictures, said he would check into the matter “as soon as he was done looking over this great script where Charlie Sheen plays a zookeeper who finds an ancient Incan treasure in the lemur habitat.”
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