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The Endive - Year in Review Part II
 Welcome to part two of The Endive’s look back at 2009, a year that not only saw the rise of The Endive, but also the rise of Balloon Boy. No, wait, Balloon Boy never actually rose – kind of like any man standing near Hillary Clinton.
Our brave new President ushered in his era of hope and change by meeting with every evil dictator in power and apologizing for coming from a country of “freedom-loving jerk-wads.” Instead of giving him a hug, they all just kind of shrugged and muttered, “Whatever.”
A real challenge emerged when Barack had to pick out his very first Supreme Court Justice – and a tough decision it was! After hours and hours of deliberation, he and several hundred key advisors agreed that our nominee had to be a female Latino. That’s about all they agreed on. When Obama found a female Latino that actually had experience being a judge, he still didn’t get to cruise on past his majority senate. Nope. They questioned her thoroughly to make sure she was really female and really Latino.
The “Apologize for America Tour” continued with a trip to Egypt where Obama thanked the peaceful Muslim people for being such shining examples of perfection and for contributing every key invention that society ever had. While his audience was putting on hip waders to protect their slacks from the rising bulls**t, the rest of the world was being whipped into a frenzy by our news media. Apparently, lots of people dying of swine flu sells a lot of newspapers. They just had to find the people with swine flu and convince them to die while giving them that CNN exclusive.
Unfortunately, the media didn’t get the mass-death-plague they were looking for, but the consolation prize came in the untimely death of the plastic effigy of 1980’s pop sensation Michael Jackson. The media ran with it and was so successful that Michael Jackson is now worshipped as a deity in every unpronounceable country.
Hope and Change came to Iran when Mahmoud Ahmedinejad won the Iranian Presidency in a landslide victory. The celebrations in the streets got a little out of hand, but his peace-patrol kept things in check.
GM went bankrupt and emerged from bankruptcy, poised to build cars that Barack Obama thinks we should think we want. They’re working hard to get the price down to a range we can almost afford if Barack forces the banks to give us all sub-prime loans. While GM was emerging from bankruptcy, the State of California darn near went bankrupt. The Governator stepped in and handled the situation by staring menacingly at the face of bankruptcy. He also whined in Austrian.
Professor Gates managed to end racism in America by resisting arrest and shouting a lot. Barack Obama stepped in and held a beer summit with the sole purpose of bringing racism back. Without racism, Barack might have trouble getting re-elected.
Once the buzz wore off from the beer summit, the full-court press on socialist health care reform began. Overwhelmed with the compassion radiating from the United States of America, Scotland decided to be kind and free the Lockerbie bomber. He was given a hero’s welcome in Libya, the only country where someone with Greg Brady hair can blend in.
Ted Kennedy died and was quickly elevated to sainthood by the media. The rest of America will always remember Ted showing us exactly what the bottom of an Oldsmobile looks like.
As we closed in on the end of 2009, the world went into overload. While we were waiting in line to buy “You Lie!” t-shirts, ACORN was caught red-handed helping the unemployed. The beleaguered community organization created hundreds of new jobs for illegal immigrants who like to be fondled by congressman. They were caught doing it on camera and couldn’t figure out a way out of it, so they just asked congress to find something to blame on George Bush in order to distract us.
ACORN’s blessed distraction came in the form of Jon & Kate’s public disintegration and Mackenzie Phillips’ desperate need to make us all vomit. Thanks to this year’s pop culture dysfunction, more TV’s per capita were thrown out windows than in all of history, including the last performance of Wilson Phillips.
Barack wooed the International Olympic Committee in a vain attempt to bring the Olympics to his back yard for his personal amusement. Instead of giving him the Olympics, they gave him the Nobel Peace Prize.
Meanwhile, Balloon Boy took off! Well, no, he didn’t. Al Gore later explained that Balloon Boy couldn’t ride in his experimental balloon because Global Warming made the air quality too poor for kids to fly in duct-tape balloons. Gore said it was our fault and told us to be ashamed of ourselves.
While Global Warming was getting hyped to epic proportions, Barack Obama decided to help cool off foreign leaders such as the Presidents of China and Japan by repeated, deep bowing, so as to emulate a giant human fan.
Asia’s leadership laughed heartily at our President, but soon grew bored because, like the rest of the world, they were more interested in Johnny Depp’s sexiness and shows about vampires hooking up.
Oprah announced her retirement to focus on Chelsea Clinton’s wedding plans.
Finally, the roster of dead celebrities for 2009 was so exclusive that Orel Roberts made a last second decision to gracefully pass on and earn his respected place on our mantle piece.
What will happen in 2010? Will Iran nuke somebody? Will the United States bar capitalism from the health care industry? Will Adam Lambert kiss Joe Biden? These are uncertain times, but one thing is certain – The Endive will be there to get you the REAL story.
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