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Obama to Send Hip Teenage Vampires to Afghanistan
 President Obama revealed his new strategy today for Afghanistan, a plan that relies heavily on popular teen vampires who will neutralize the Taliban with their hipness.
“We have rounded up the hottest, palest, most well-dressed vampires and are prepared to ship them to Afghanistan,” said Obama, “The men and women of the Twilight series and True Blood are now the valiant men and women of operation ‘Hot White Guys Who Kick Butt.’ Godspeed, young bloodsuckers. Do us proud, and score with some chicks.”
The adolescent vampiric troop surge will be under the direction of Twilight hero Robert Pattinson.
“Like most vampires, I am pale AND sexy,” said Pattinson, “Therefore I am the natural choice to lead these elite fanged-forces deep into Taliban territory. We know there are hot chicks there and we will find them, even if it means pulling off every burqa in Kabul!”
Obama’s plan met with mixed reviews from constituents.
“I don’t think I like this,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “Instead of sending these guys into war, could we make them fight Global Warming instead? They’re pale and they hate sunlight. They should totally be able to cool this planet off – especially because they, themselves, are cool.”
Obama supporters warmed up to an extended war in Afghanistan when they heard who the new starring players were.
“I am totally going to start watching the war in Afghanistan now,” said high schooler Kristen Stewart, “Jamie Campbell Bower is hawt! I would totally watch C-Span if it meant I could see him nude with a machine gun.”
Obama also met with skepticism from General Stanley McChrystal, the Commander of U.S. Forces Afghanistan.
“Well, yes, I did ask for more troops to help increase our chances of winning,” said McChrystal, “But I was thinking of actually combat troops who are willing to wear camouflage. These guys won’t do it – they said it wasn’t ‘hip’ enough. They’re all in leather jackets. Do they realize how hot it can get here during the day?”
McChrystal will also be faced with several logistic difficulties related to the needs of the vampires.
“The President also signed a contract with them that requires us to backlight them and use fans to blow their hair around whenever they’re on camera,” said McChrystal, “Have you ever tried to find 2,000 spotlights and 5,000 high-output fans in Afghanistan?! They also won’t work in the sun because they want to stay pale. There’s a lot of sun here. I haven’t even gotten into the whole blood thing. I’m not touching that. Barack can find them 30 gallons of AB positive.”
Response from the Taliban was swift to condemn the United States.
“The great Satan has once again sent forth waves of filth into the Muslim world,” said Iman al-Hasawiri on a taped message from a hidden Taliban bunker, “The infidels will suffer. They will learn that vampires will never be as cool as Blackula. Allah Akbar!”
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