|
Back to archives Home
Police Question “Person of Interest” in Disappearance of Kilimanjaro Glaciers
 Environmentalists were alarmed to find the glaciers of Kilimanjaro disappearing this week. While the blame was first cast at global warming, Tanzanian police have a different theory.
“We believe this to be the work of the evil Snordly Necklash,” said Tanzanian Police Chief Alfred Mbeke, “We brought him in for questioning as a person of interest. We initially suspected him because he has a curly mustache.”
Environmentalists were skeptical when confronted with the news, holding fast to the theory that irresponsible humans have eradicated the glaciers.
“Snordly Necklash? I seriously doubt he stole the glaciers,” said Vacuous Blowhard Al Gore, “The reason these glaciers have left us is because people like you had to use hairspray, drive a GMC Yukon, and allow your cows to flatulate without affixing the proper filtering equipment to their bovine rectums. Only when we drop the spray, dump the Yukon and eschew the moo will our glaciers return.”
Since Gore’s statement seemed to indicate that the glaciers had left Kilimanjaro rather than simply melted, he was asked to speculate about their whereabouts.
“The glaciers are in a safe place, hiding out until people wake up,” said Gore, “They’ll come back as soon as we’re all driving SmartCars and using effective means of recycling such as eating poop. Did you know there’s still twenty percent food in poop? We need to send it back through our intestines before letting it go to some landfill for five billion years.”
Tanzanian police responded to Gore by showing pictures of Necklash’s backyard, depicting a large glacier-shaped object beneath a tarp.
Furthermore, statements taken from Mr. Necklash indicate he may actually have taken the glaciers.
“Muahahahahaha!” said Necklash in a statement to Tanzanian Police, “Muahahaha! Now I have your precious glaciers! If you want to see them alive again, you will appoint me RULER OF THE WORLD! And give me a free Honda. And a free account on match.com. Signed, Snordly Necklash, RULER OF THE WORLD! Muahahahaha!”
Added Necklash, “Muahahahahaha!”
Gore was unfazed.
“I still don’t buy it,” said Gore, “Global Warming.”
Back to archives Home
|
