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Mike Tyson, Aborted Fetus Share Nobel Prize for Golf
 The jury from the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences said Mike Tyson represented the potential to revolutionize the world of golf by breaking down racial barriers. He earned the distinction for the way he “gripped the club, flashed a smile, and turned golf on its ear instead of biting the ear off.”
This award represents the 44-year-old retired boxer’s first major accomplishment since winning multiple world championships during his heyday.
“Obviously, I’m still on the Zoloft and therefore have not killed any of y’all,” said Tyson, “That, I believe, helped me to actualize this moment. Secondly, I still like to fornicate. In the world of golf, everybody has to fornicate. It keeps me from killin’ any of y’all. Finally, I’d just like to say that I’m a nice, affable guy now. It’s the new Mike Tyson. No longer do I wish to punch out poor Little Mac in less than three rounds.”
Tyson indicated that in the future, he’ll be ready to “figure you out what it is you do with these golf clubs.”
Sharing the award with Tyson is an unnamed aborted fetus that resides in a jar in Reykjavik. The fetus is the first terminated pregnancy to receive a Nobel prize and the first female to receive the Nobel prize for golf. It’s also the first jarred fetus to earn the prize and the first ever fetus to share a prize with Mike Tyson. Tyson did threaten to eat children earlier in his career, but not fetuses specifically and never directly encountered a fetus in an eating-situation, according to his Wikipedia page.
The academy cited the fetus’s “downright cuteness” in its rationale for presenting the award. The LPGA is currently developing a set of clubs that should fit in the jar, but it is unknown when exactly the fetus will get a chance to “hit the links.”
World reaction to the awards was somewhat mixed.
“I can’t think of a more deserving person for the Nobel prize for golf than Mike Tyson,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, “He knows his golf and anybody who disagrees is a stupid Nazi terrorist. I hate you, go to hell, and get your hand off my podium, you Fox News bastard.”
Though reluctant to politicize another Nobel prize, Republicans did weigh in.
“All I can say is, well,” said senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, “All I can say is **** it, I’m going out for a Mai Tai.”
News hit the world of golf like a ton of bricks.
“You know, I’m a modest guy,” said Tiger Woods, “So I shouldn’t be pointing out that I continuously set the bar for successful multi-racial people in golf or that I inspire thousands of kids to achieve better every year, or that I drive a Buick, but, you know, I do. I also managed to grow past the fetus stage. See? No chord here. Just a belly button. It’s an innie.”
Other veteran golfers were more blunt.
“I’ll say it if no one else has the guts,” said Chi Chi Rodriguez, “The Nobel prize jury is a bunch of slimy, trash bag licking, puke-sniffing, cheese-fermenting, dog-ball-massaging, llama-sodomizing, rhino-butt-entering, smoldering piles of chunky Ibex vomit.”
A nearby Nick Faldo nodded in vehement agreement.
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