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Obama to Send Troops to Rio de Janeiro
 President Obama announced today that he would draw troops down from Iraq and Afghanistan in order to deploy them to the “real conflict” in Rio de Janeiro.
Citing a long string of military failures, Obama indicated it was time to fight a war that we could win without compromising humanitarian standards.
“I think I made myself very clear regarding the expected location of the Olympics,” said Obama, “What I mean to say is, and make sure you write this down, is that obviously after Michelle and I sold the International Olympic Committee on using Chicago in 2012, the Brazilian government allowed Rio to take the Olympics by force.”
The President peppered his speech to the IOC with plenty of warnings towards the other cities vying for the Olympics.
“He told us that if we picked any other city, he’d swat it like a fly on his knee,” said IOC President Jacques Rogge, “Then, he made the throat-slash sign and winked at us. It kind of weirded us all out to the point that we went with Rio instead of Chicago, well, that and those stupid t-shirts. I haven’t seen anything that tacky since those ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirts.”
Obama has opted to reveal his strategy for invading Rio de Janeiro in order to distinguish his administration from the secretive war policies of the Bush White House.
“We’re not going to do this war George Bush style,” said Obama, “I’m telling you everything right now. I sat down with General McChrystal, listened to what he had to say, and then told him what I wanted him to do. Rio won’t know what hit them, unless their listening. If that’s the case, than watch yourselves, here it comes.”
Obama then laid out a plan that has been described by McChrystal as “um, interesting.”
“Our attack begins at the copa,” said Obama, “Copacabana. The hottest spot north of Havana. Music and passion were always in fashion at the copa. Tony will sail across the bar and then punches will fly and chairs will be smashed in two. I anticipate blood and a single gun shot. At the copa. The Copacabana.”
While McChrystal was unable to give any analysis on Obama’s plan, General David Petraeus, Commander, U.S. Central Command, gave his thoughts to The Endive.
“The President’s plan has me a little worried,” said Petraeus, “Particularly because it appears to consist entirely of lyrics from Barry Manilow’s song, ‘At the Copa.’ What’s really troubling is that Manilow’s song is about the Copacabana night club in New York, not the Copacabana beach in Rio. I mean, Rio isn’t even North of Havana. Not to mention that the song is about a girl whose boyfriend dies in a fight and leaves her a crazy old spinster.”
“It seems to have more to do with Liz Taylor’s life than attacking Rio de Janeiro,” added Petraeus.
Obama dismissed criticism of his plan to go to war with Rio de Janeiro while other important issues were facing him imminently; including health care reform, the economy and immigration laws.
“All that stuff ought to take care of itself,” said Obama, “This Rio thing is only going to happen if I personally take care of it. Don’t worry, America. Our boys will return safely and they’ll have a torch and some discusses with them.”
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