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Phillips: I Slept with Giant Squid
In your face, Letterman, says actress
 Mackenzie Phillips isn’t giving up the limelight to David Letterman that quickly.
She was seemingly riding a wave of publicity and heightened book sales following her admission to an incestuous affair with her legendary father, but that quickly ended when David Letterman fessed up to banging his entire staff.
“I banged my staff,” said Letterman, “It was a particularly difficult feat to accomplish, especially since the wardrobe guy smells like socks stuffed with day-old Vienna sausage, but I persevered. Mackenzie can take a hike.”
Phillips, who had planned on semi-retirement thanks to the proceeds from her book sales, quickly revealed more details of her sordid sex life on an interview with Oprah Winfrey.
“The giant squid is a mysterious animal,” said Phillips, “Nobody’s actually seen one alive. In 1993, I was drunk on Sterno and trying to score with oceanography Huang Tse, and I guess the squid carcass he had discovered off of the China coast and I just kind of hit it off.”
Winfrey asked Phillips to clarify whether or not the squid was alive after she had finished spitting out most of her drink.
“Like I said, nobody’s seen a live giant squid,” said Phillips, “So I just did my best with the dead one. We were both pretty high, so I don’t remember exactly what happened – just that we woke up in bed together the next morning and it screamed, threw up on my night table and ran for the door.”
According to Phillips, the squid is currently on display at the Smithsonian and quite possibly has a pair of her panties tangled in its tentacles.
“I never did find them,” said Phillips, “They’re orange and the have a picture of the Quaker Oats guy on them. After all, I consider myself a healthy breakfast.”
Letterman, who is yet to directly respond to the one-upsmanship from Phillips, was last seen inquiring whether or not Don Imus and James Carville were available for a threesome.
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