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Obama: We Have Reinvented the Wheel
 President Obama proudly announced this morning that his administration has successfully reinvented the wheel.
“Today is a big day for the future of America,” said the President, “Years of failed policies, and inefficient, outmoded technology are behind us. With this new wheel, we look forward to a future where everyone loves each other and the planet. A future where everyone gets a fair share of the pie. Our new wheel is way ahead of the old wheel. Way ahead.”
Made mostly by a congressional subcommittee under the close supervision of the President, the new wheel is drastically different from the round device that carried the world’s burdens for thousands of years.
“Round is out,” said Obama, “Round was a shape that offended Americans who struggled with weight problems. Why should we tread on a likeness of America’s obese citizens? The new wheel is oblong.”
Also taken into account was racial sensitivity.
“I can’t, for the life of me, understand why so many wheels are wrapped in black tires,” said the President, “This is obviously a throwback to the back-breaking labor of our ancestors. Our new wheel is shod in rainbow-colored tires, as a reminder of the importance of marriage equality.”
Finally, the President highlighted the most important aspect of the new wheel, its sensitivity to our planet’s fragile environment.
“This wheel is equipped with the latest technology,” said Obama, “It has thousands of sensors to adapt and adjust it carbon emissions, creating as little as possible. It doesn’t hold any gasoline, only air – clean air. Its computer controlled, and it’s made almost entirely from salt-water taffy, making it mostly edible. It should leave nothing behind on this planet except a sugary poop when you’re done with it.”
Legislation is being fast-tracked through congress by the Obama administration to force the mandatory purchase and installation of the new wheel on all vehicles within eight months. Vehicles that don’t comply will be confiscated for use as government limousines.
“It may take a few extra days to get used to our newer, better wheel,” said Obama, “But change is never easy. We expect you to make sacrifices for the good of the planet. After all, when a congressional committee works together with the President, the ultimate outcome is always a good one for the American people.”
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