|
Back to archives Home
Napolitano: Talibans Smuggling Swine Flu Through Canada on Stolen Cruise Ships
 Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano urged that we take action in order to stop “Talibans from smuggling swine-flu tainted bunnies through Canada on stolen cruise ships.”
The announcement came at a press conference Napolitano called for 8:00 am this morning and began promptly at 12:30. The first five minutes of her remarks were only heard by the front row until a reporter from WABC pointed out that Napolitano was speaking into the wrong side of the microphone.
“We have lots of problems here in the United Skates of America,” said Napolitano, “The most biggest of which is those Talibans. They’ve got the swine flu and they’ve been trying to steal cruise ships off the coast of Sumatra. It’s a good thing our Coast Guard was there with their elite sniping teams to shoot at them.”
Added Napolitano, “We need to take action.”
When asked what action she proposed to take, Napolitano excused herself for thirty minutes, where she was met just outside the room by President Obama. Obama held her head by the chin and scalp while he whispered something very slowly into her ear. He then placed a flip-chart in front of her face and began drawing some diagrams for her. Finally, she returned to the press conference to address the question.
“It’s very simple,” said Napolitano, “First, we need to make sure that every American has free health care. When greedy rich people give us enough money to provide health care for every American, they’ll all be too strong for the Talibans and their suicide belts full of swine flu bunnies. Then, we hit ‘em hard by pulling all of our troops out of iMac and sending them to Alphalphastan. Finally, they won’t be able to steal any more cruise ships once we’ve gone around the world and thrown all the nuclear weapons into garbage cans.”
Napolitano finished her speech and looked back to President Obama to give him a thumbs-up. The President took his head out of his hands long enough to nod at Napolitano and indicate that she should step down and conclude the press conference.
“It all sounds good to me,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “Janet’s a smart cookie. I’d trust her with the safety of my country. Heck, I’d even let her take my kids to the park. They won’t get hit by any of those suicide belts full of swine flu from those darn Talibans.”
Republicans were unsure how to react to this new homeland security strategy.
“I know everybody who voted for me really wants me to do something about this,” said Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, “But would you all mind if I just sprung for everybody in Kentucky to join me for a four-year vacation to Cancun? Mai Tais are on me. Otherwise, I think our heads might explode.”
Back to archives Home
|
