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Michigan Senator Advocates Fairness on the Radio
Stabenow: It’s time for those aliens at SETI to shut the hell up.
 Senator Debbie Stabenow, D-Michigan, expressed her support of the Fairness Doctrine in an effort to bring order to the radio waves.
“Everyday, people over at SETI are being allowed to listen to all kinds of brainwashing from those aliens from Mars and Neptune and Pluto and Rhynox-4 and Heculibrea and Ur-Oo-Cacackson-3,” said Stabenow, “We have to put a stop to this before it destroys our country!”
Democrats have historically favored some form of regulation to limit the type of rhetoric allowed on our radio waves. Stabenow’s call for fairness has received plenty of support from other senators.
“Those evil Telaxians are just trying to numb people’s minds so they can continue with their kidnappings and anal probes,” said Jim Webb, D-Virginia, “I think it’s time we all started supporting the Fairness Doctrine if we want to keep Telaxian fingers out of our collective asses.”
A spokesman from SETI (the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) seemed as though he was caught by surprise by the sudden attack from the Senate.
“What, dude?” said Scotty Stevens, the guy who answered the phone at SETI, “Is that you, Spaz? Dude, this is not funny. I’m at work.”
Other radio personalities have spoken harshly about the Fairness Doctrine and its clear encroachment on free speech.
“Jim Webb pulled out the Telaxian finger argument when he was trying to gain support for the stimulus bill,” said radio personality Sean Hannity, “He said that if more Americans lost their jobs, it would leave our asses open for Telaxian fingers. Then he used it again to increase funding to the Boy Scouts. He said that if the Boy Scouts didn’t get their new do-it-yourself wicker furniture kits that our asses would be more vulnerable to Telaxian fingers. Why doesn’t he just say that he hates me? I need a beer.”
Stabenow was quick to defend Senator Webb.
“I don’t think Mr. Hannity understands the weight of the Telaxian finger issue,” said Stabenow, “Telaxians have very large fingers. Would you want a 4-inch wide finger jammed up your bunghole? No? Then you better support the Fairness Doctrine. My finger is less than an inch wide and it’s about time the American people showed some appreciation for the small amount of rectal damage it would do… unless they’d rather get a Telaxian colon massage.”
“I’m getting the impression that maybe Senator Stabenow is trying to divert us from the real issue here,” said Hannity, “Maybe Americans don’t want any fingers going near that area at all. Maybe Americans just want to sit down and enjoy some good old fashioned talk radio without excessive regulation.”
When told of Hannity’s remarks, Senator Stabenow responded by wiggling her finger around and shouting “Ooooh! I’m a Telaxian! Watch out for your Heiny! Ooooh!”
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