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Global Warming Rebranded Climate Change
Same Great Service, New Name
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Dr. Mitchell Wallberg apparently stands next to former President Bush at the G8 Summit.
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Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced at a press conference this week that she has renamed Global Warming to “Climate Change” in an attempt to rebrand the aging issue. As part of the rebranding, she will be naming an envoy on “Climate Change” to lead worldwide efforts in counteracting the negative effects of human beings on our earth’s climate.
“Our new envoy,” said Clinton, “Is Dr. Mitchell Wallberg. Mitchell has PhD’s from Harvard, Berkeley, Yale and Oxford. He is a world-recognized expert on climate change and has won Nobel prizes in Physics, Peace and Colo-rectal health. He’s also a tenor.”
When asked why Dr. Wallberg wasn’t at the press conference, Mrs. Clinton assured everyone that he would probably arrive at some point in the near future.
“We decided Global Warming needed a name change and an ambassador,” continued Clinton, “Too many people were pointing out that the world has been cooling off in recent years and that we’re in the midst of the planet’s usual climatic cycle. I’ll let Global Warm… er, Climate Change expert Al Gore address that.”
Former Vice President Al Gore joined Clinton at the conference and gave an introductory explanation.
“People think that just because the planet isn’t always warming up that humans aren’t a problem,” said Gore, “Well, we are. With your aerosol cans and your 1968 Oldsmobiles with 455 V-8 engines and your cows that get to burp and fart without proper filtering – Filter your cows, people, ESCHEW THE MOO! – you are changing our planet’s climate for the worse. Stop it. I’m glad Dr. Mitchell Wallberg will be on the job.”
Gore, however, was unsure of Dr. Wallberg’s whereabouts as well.
“He’s coming,” said Gore, “We’re not exactly sure when he’ll be here, but when he gets here, things will change. You will never forget this man.”
Clinton became defensive when several reporters noted that calls to Harvard, Berkeley, Yale and Oxford failed to yield any records of a PhD being awarded to anyone named ‘Mitchell Wallberg.’
Reporters pressed the the Secretary of State further when they were informed that Dr. Wallberg’s salary would be in excess of $2.3 million annually.
“$2.3 million is a small price to pay to solve a big problem that is clearly destroying the world,” said Clinton, “I mean, don’t you feel how hot it is in here? It feels like it’s 73 degrees in here and we clearly asked the Chief of Staff to set the White House Thermostat to 72. That’s part of the change you need to expect from the Obama administration.”
A quick glance at the thermostat revealed that it was set at 73. When informed of this development, Clinton waved off reporters and said, “Whatever.”
“Dr. Wallberg didn’t make it to our press conference,” said Gore, “But he will be here before you know it. You will here his tenor voice. You will be agape at his grasp of physics, and you will experience his clean, healthy colon.”
Clinton and Gore thanked everyone for attending the conference and pointed out that mugs and T-Shirts with the new “Climate Change” logo are available for purchase on the White House web site. Stickers with the words “Climate Change” have also been produced to place on top of older “Global Warming” promotional materials.
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