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 Cheese Salesman Attacked by Owl Bear
In what is being described as one of the most epic cheese salesman-owl bear confrontations in history, a cheese salesman was attacked by an owl bear Tuesday in the over-inventive minds of several lazy tabletop gamers.
“We were attempted to enter some dungeon called Death’s Doorway,” said Ken Stevens, Cheese Salesman, “When an owl bear jumped out and attacked us.” Read more...
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 Metaphor Devastated Endive Will Rebuild
The Endive editorial team promised to rebuild following a devastating metaphor that beat the site nearly to death. The online news magazine was pushed to the brink of irrelevance by clichéd disaster stories and constant promises to rebuild.
“I am proud of the resolve shown here at The Endive,” said Endive Editor-in-Chief Sid Bridge, “I’m damn proud. This office is a complete mess. It will take weeks to clean it up, but I know my staff can handle it.” Read more...
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 Giant Robots With Lasers Devastated Endive Will Rebuild
The Endive editorial team promised to rebuild following a devastating attack on Tuesday by giant robots armed with lasers. The online news magazine was singed and split wide open by the largest giant robot with laser attack to hit Virginia since 2007.
“I am proud of the resolve shown here at The Endive,” said Endive Editor-in-Chief Sid Bridge, “I’m damn proud. This office is now split into two distinct pieces. It will take weeks to clean it up and lots of glue, but I know my staff can handle it.” Read more...
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 Hurricane Devastated Endive Will Rebuild
The Endive editorial team promised to rebuild following the devastating Category 1 Hurricane that struck the east coast Saturday. The online news magazine was soaked and wind-battered like a Dominic Strauss-Kahn target in the largest hurricane to hit Virginia since 2003.
“I am proud of the resolve shown here at The Endive,” said Endive Editor-in-Chief Sid Bridge, “I’m damn proud. This office is yet again a complete mess. It will take weeks to clean it up, but I know my staff can handle it.” Read more...
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 Quake Devastated Endive Will Rebuild
The Endive editorial team promised to rebuild following the devastating 5.9 earthquake that struck the east coast Tuesday. The online news magazine was shaken to the point of nausea in the largest earthquake to hit Virginia since 1897.
“I am proud of the resolve shown here at The Endive,” said Endive Editor-in-Chief Sid Bridge, “I’m damn proud. This office is a complete mess. It will take weeks to clean it up, but I know my staff can handle it.” Read more...
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 Rebels Conduct Panty Raid on Gadhafi Compound
Libyan rebels launched a bold panty raid on Muammar Gadhafi’s Tripoli compound, emerging with armloads of captured underwear and a treasure trove of photos and video.
“The real moment of victory is when Gadhafi’s underpants are captured and flown on the main flagpole in Tripoli,” said Mustafa Abdul Jalil, chairman of the National Transitional Council, at a press conference. Read more...
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 Slam Dancing Advocates Flooded with Calls About Islam
The American Slam Dancing Association found itself ill-equipped to deal with the deluge of phone calls it received after 50 billboards went up, mistakenly displaying their 877-WHY-ISLAM phone number.
“We set the hotline up to explain why slam dancing is a good thing,” said association chairman Joey ‘Gutter Boy’ Berkowitz, “I think the Muslim must have confused our 877 number with their 888 number. People need to call our hotline to find out ‘Why I Slam.’” Read more...
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 Line Graph Criticized for Pointing Down
A deafening flood of criticism resulted today when a line graph opted to point down. The graph, a standard two-axis line graph, featured a blue line that went steadily down. Government officials took offense.
“I don’t know who this line graph thinks he is,” said Tim Geithner, “But I hope it understands the ramifications of its mistaken actions. I’ll get to the bottom of this as sure as eight plus twenty seven equals thirty-four.” Read more...
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 S&P Downgrades The GAP
A massive sell-off of clothing was triggered today when S&P decided to downgrade The Gap’s credit rating. The price of pants plunged forty percent as desperate people attempted to sell them at a furious pace.
President Obama tried to allay fears by addressing the American people today, but it did little to help when he entered the White House press room wearing no pants. Read more...
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 Andy Griffith Admits to Being DB Cooper
Beloved actor Andy Griffith confessed today that he is the famous hijacker known as DB Cooper. The shocking confession comes as the FBI announced it had new evidence in the 40-year-old case.
“I was trying to find something to do after Mayberry,” said Griffith, “And I figured none of them fellas at the FBI would suspect me, and by golly, I was right. I made off with enough money to subscribe the the whore-of-the-month club!” Read more...
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 Aliens Beaten by Farmer
Attempts by extraterrestrials to make first contact this week were rebuffed when their spokesman was severely beaten by an enraged farmer.
“You’re the bastards who made all those circles in my corn field,” shouted Joe Riggins of Iowa as he beat the grayish-white humanoid about the face and torso with a tire iron, “I’ll teach you to mess with my crops!” Read more...
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 New Debt Plan Emerges with Ad Sales
President Obama took to the steps of the Nabisco White House today to announce a breakthrough in bipartisan debt ceiling negotiations.
The new plan, which won a ringing endorsement from the Proctor & Gamble House of Representatives, brings in a significant amount of revenue from lucrative government advertising contracts. Read more...
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 Police Uncover Massive Barbie Crime Scene
It’s being described as one of the most horrific Barbie crime scenes ever. At least fourteen Barbies were stripped naked, partially dismembered, and left lying on the back deck of a suburban Virginia home.
“It was such a shocking scene,” said neighbor Amanda Blumenthal, “When I saw all those Barbies with missing legs, chewed up feet, hair pulled out… and those disturbing sidewalk chalk outlines around the bodies, I felt ill.” Read more...
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 Marine Asks Japanese Women’s Soccer Team to Ball
The Marine Corps Ball is starting to look like an all-star event after a series of high-profile dates were arranged via YouTube. First, it was Mila Kunis. Then, Justine Timberlake. Then, Betty White. Now, the entire Japanese Women’s Soccer Team.
Sgt. Bill Stevens, who according to his colleagues looks a bit like Boris Yeltsin, asked the world soccer champions to be his date in an attempt to one-up his comrades and score the hottest date of the evening. Read more...
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 Angry Low-Res Skeletons Attack
The world was rocked to the core today when it was attacked by angry low-resolution skeletons. The pixellated undead began chipping away at our collective hit points today, unable to take the world’s issues anymore.
“All I was trying to do was invite friends to be on Google+ and suddenly a skeleton attacked me,” said Kentucky native Daniel Spears. Read more...
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 Budget to be Resolved with Pencil Fight
Unable to reach a compromise, President Barack Obama announced today that he and House Majority Leader John Boehner will resolve things with a pencil fight.
Republicans have refused to budge on tax increases, having pledged to block any higher taxes. Democrats insist on higher taxes because they hate people with money and would like to continue excessive spending on programs such as providing free condoms to sixth graders. Read more...
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 William and Kate Visit Some Crap
Newlyweds Will and Kate visited some crap today on their tour of Canada. They also took a little time out to do crap and see some of the local crap.
“Isn’t it just amazing the way Kate handles herself around crap?” said someone who has no life whatsoever, “It’s like she was born to visit, see and handle crap.” Read more...
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 Ten Facts About July 4
Our founding fathers would not have recited the pledge: We will never know the answer to this question. What we do know is that they WOULD have used Lemon Pledge. They had a lot of wooden furniture and the shine-restoring power of Lemon Pledge is unsurpassed.
Paul Revere had help: Yes, Paul Revere had forty people accompany him on his ride. Paul was on a horse and the rest of them were on wooden scooters. They looked so stupid in the painting that they painted over everyone except Revere. Read more...
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 Altered Newsweek Spread Draws Criticism
Newsweek and its new editor Tina Brown were blasted by critics this week after publishing a computer-generated photo showing Princess Diana partying with Pippa Middleton, Biggie Smalls and Grand Moff Tarkin.
The photo accompanies a fictional piece that imagines what Di’s life might have been like if she hadn’t died in a 1997 car crash. The photo shows a tiara-clad Diana looking on in the foreground as Pippa does the grind with her boyfriend and Biggie Smalls looks on approvingly. Read more...
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 Pakistan: We Thought it was a Shoney’s
A statement from the President of Pakistan today indicated that the country neglected to raid the suburban compound where Osama bin Laden was hiding because they thought it was a Shoney’s restaurant.
“Boy do I feel like a rube,” said President Asif Ali Zardari, “Sure, the compound had 18-foot high walls, no phone or internet, and a tall guy who looked a lot like bin Laden living there, but other than that we had no indication that it wasn’t a Shoney’s.” Read more...
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 Gadhafi Imperial Walkers Attack Rebel Base
Libyan rebels came under intense pressure today as Gadhafi’s fleet of Imperial Walkers closed in on their remote rebel base. The Imperial AT-AT Walkers appeared to be targeting the shield generators around the rebel base in the town of al-Brega.
Rebels attempted to repel the walkers with blasters, an ion cannon and small aircraft. When they failed to penetrate the heavy AT-AT armor, they resorted to tow cables and hand grenades. Read more...
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 Obama Addresses Nation in Tron Suit
President Obama challenged opponents to his health care law to virtual combat today, as he addressed the nation while dressed in a Tron costume.
“I know the tide of American opinion has emboldened many of you,” said Obama, “Therefore I must take drastic measures. If you don’t like the job I’m doing, I challenge you to a fight with these disk-thingies.” Read more...
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 Genetically Modified Salmon Attack Tokyo
Tokyo was overrun today by an army of salmon that were genetically modified by a Massachusetts company. The 100-meter-tall fish stomped through the city, destroying buildings, tossing cars around like softballs, and blowing things up with lasers that shoot from their eyes.
Preliminary indications show that the FDA will approve this new version of Atlantic salmon for human consumption, although most are unsure as to how the salmon will be harvested. Read more...
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 Rug Fail Embarrasses Oval Office
A planned makeover for the Oval Office went awry while President Obama was on vacation last week, as the President discovered too late that all five quotes embroidered into the perimeter of the new rug were wrongly attributed.
A quote attributed to Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was actually a Theodore Parker quote, but that was just the beginning. The rug also contained what the President thought was a quote from George Washington. Read more...
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 Airlines Hope to Penetrate Ash Through New Ash Hole
Airlines in the United Kingdom found a spark of hope in a new hole forming in the cloud of ash covering the U.K. due to the eruption of an Icelandic volcano.
“We hope that our airplanes can deeply penetrate the new ash hole,” the United Kingdom’s National Air Traffic Service said in a written statement, “If we can penetrate it once with one plane, we hope to follow it up with multiple deep penetrates from larger planes.” Read more...
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 Controversial Obama Nipple Sculpture Back on Display
A statue of Barack Obama with a sculpted bare chest featuring two nipples with built-in water fountains was placed late Sunday night at the Jakarta, Indonesia, elementary school the President once attended.
The statue had been removed a week earlier due to public backlash. A crowd of 500 people turned out for the low-key event, where the statue was unveiled by Jakarta’s mayor, who even took a second to sip the crisp, refreshing spring water that poured forth from the sculpted, pert nipples. Read more...
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 New Photo Causes Problems for Crist
Marco Rubio struck a powerful blow to the campaign of Charlie Crist today when he released a photo showing Crist “closely associating” with Barack Obama.
The photo is sure to bolster the campaign of Rubio by attempting to prove conclusively that Crist leans slightly to the left. “They say a picture is worth a thousand words,” said Rubio, “This picture is worth 787 million words. And it made me throw up in my mouth a little. It tasted like Bacon Bits.” Read more...
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 Clinton Given Coaster Lip in Angola
Hillary Clinton was honored by the Angolan government this week with the insertion of a coaster in her lip. The Secretary of State visited Angola as part of a diplomatic tour of Africa.
Clinton was said to be excited about improving relations with Angola, a top petroleum exporter. “I hafffmmy to worffmmk wifff Ahhgola,” said Clinton. Read more...
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 Bloodmobile Beats Bookmobile in Drag Race
The Bookmobile totally got its ass handed to it in an impromptu drag race yesterday according to representatives from the Red Cross Bloodmobile.
“My reaction time was at least half a second faster than the Bookmobile guy’s,” said Bloodmobile driver Henry Pitts, “His lame-assed Bookmobile was no match for the 7.5 liter turbo-diesel engine in this badass Bloodmobile. We owned that beeyotch with a capital ‘P.’” Read more...
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 Obama’s Teleprompter Commits Suicide
Investigators noticed a shocking message on the broken remains of the President's fallen teleprompter: a suicide note.
The teleprompter abruptly fell to its demise during a speech the President gave last Monday. In its final message to the world, it expressed frustration over the rigors of filling Obama's mouth with words. Read more...
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 Obama: I am Never Taking Those Kids Out for Ice Cream Again
President Barack Obama has sworn that he will never take daughters Sasha and Malia out for ice cream again after a disastrous trip to a dessert shop for frozen custard.
“Things turned sour as soon as they started to order,” said Liz Davis, owner of The Dairy Godmother frozen custard store in Alexandria, Virginia, “Malia couldn’t decide what she wanted.” Read more...
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 Obama’s New Dog: Portuguese Man O’ War
White House spokesman announced today that the Obama family has selected a dog, settling on a Portuguese Man o’ War. The Obamas will not receive the dog for several months and are still trying to come up with a name.
The Portuguese Man o’ War is not technically a dog. It’s actually a highly poisonous, menacing jellyfish often found off the coast of Florida. Read more...
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 Obama’s Gitmo Alternative: Neverland Ranch
President Barack Obama, under pressure to find a location for all of the detainees at Guantamao Bay in order to fast-track its closure, suggested housing the prison’s terrorists at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch.
“Gitmo was a place where people were mistreated, tortured, and made to feel inhuman and uncomfortable,” said President Obama, “That makes Neverland a nearly perfect match.” Read more...
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 Bin Laden: Al Qaeda Forced to Rely on Inept Geese
A new video message from al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden says the terrorist group is desperately low on resources and has begun looking into alternative means of terror.
“The great Satan has crippled our terrorist infrastructure,” says Bin Laden according to Endive translators, “We’re short on weapons and manpower, and therefore we have turned to the only remaining terrorists who are true to our cause – inept geese.” Read more...
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 Obama Introduces America to His Nipples
During a pre-inauguration retreat to a resort in Hawaii, President-elect Barak Obama took the opportunity to introduce the American people to his nipples.
“The people wanted hope and the people wanted change,” said Obama, “and that’s why I’m keeping my promise. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting my nipples.” Read more...
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